


On Love, In Sadness

by likezoinxman



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: (that eventually leads to sex), Domestic Fluff, Future Fic, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Penetrative Sex, Platonic Cuddling, Possible OOCness, switching POVs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2018-02-15 19:41:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2241063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likezoinxman/pseuds/likezoinxman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Relationships grow and change. Nothing can stay the same forever. </p><p>Heero and Quatre find out just how true that is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Love, In Sadness

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. I'm pretty sure I was only 8 when it premiered so...
> 
> Written for the [Gundam Wing Big Bang](http://gw-bigbang.tumblr.com/) organized on Tumblr. 
> 
> I just want to thank the lovely [Agent J](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jaded_jane) for the grammar beta, even though she knows nothing about Gundam Wing or its characters. I can't imagine it was very fun to read something for a fandom she knows nothing about. 
> 
> I love you, man. You're the best. ♥
> 
> My artist was the amazing [Suika](http://yummysuika.tumblr.com) and the amazing art she did can be found [here](http://yummysuika.tumblr.com/post/96443405831/my-entry-for-the-gundam-wing-big-bang-d-tis-the)! It's so freakin' amazing you all need to go look at it immediately!!

Quatre’s on his way home when he sees him.

“Heero…?” Quatre wonders aloud, squinting slightly to try to make the figure out more clearly. He’s too far away though and soon he disappears completely into the crowded sidewalk, but Quatre would swear it was his friend.

He jumps a little when the car behind him suddenly honks and he realizes that the light had turned green while he was distracted and he hurriedly takes off before it turns again. He can’t stop thinking about the figure though. Was it really Heero? What was he doing there and why hadn’t he tried to contact Quatre? Quatre frowns slightly, remembering the phone call he’d gotten from Relena a few days prior.

At the next red light, Quatre pulls his phone out. He quickly finds Heero’s name in his contacts and presses the phone to his ear. It rings once before it goes to voice mail and Quatre frowns. He wasn’t expecting Heero to answer, but usually Heero didn’t purposefully ignore his calls. Maybe his phone is just turned off…

“Heero!” he says at the tone. “This might sound a little crazy, but I think I just saw you, but I’m not sure. Are you here? Give me a call if you are, okay? Or come by my place for dinner tonight. Say around seven? You remember where I live, right? I’ll see you then. Bye!” He rushes the end of the message and tosses his phone to the passenger seat as the light turns green and he continues his way back home.

—

When he gets home, the first thing he does is change into something more comfortable - an old pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt - before he makes a phone call to his cook to prepare a meal for the night. His family home wasn’t too far away, so it shouldn’t take long for his cook to arrive. He’d make dinner himself, but he still hasn't mastered the art of cooking. Even while following directions, he still manages to mess things up. He tends to survive on take-out and quick and easy already-made meals that all he has to do is heat up in the oven.

He’s not sure if Heero will show up, and he’s not expecting the other to return his call to tell him. That just isn't Heero. He’d either show up or not, there was no way of knowing until the time came. Still, he’d rather be safe than sorry.

To occupy himself while he waits, he decides to clean his apartment. It's a moderate apartment, two rooms and a bathroom. It is close to the Winner Corporation office so he can easily get to work every day. He likes living on his own. It made him feel more independent and more like his own person, and at the age of twenty-one, it was something he really needed for himself.

He starts in the kitchen since he doesn’t want to have anything out of place for when the cook arrives. There’s only a bowl and a cup in the sink from his breakfast that morning and he quickly washes them and puts them away after drying them. He then moves into the living room. He goes around and picks up what little mess he’d left that morning. There’s not much to do since Quatre isn’t a messy person by nature. He fixes the couch cushions and removes the stray magazine and books from the coffee table and takes them back to his office.

By the time he’s done cleaning the living room, his cook arrives. It’s not the first time he’s made food for Quatre and he immediately heads to the kitchen when he’s let into the apartment. Quatre follows behind and gives instructions to keep the meal simple before leaving him to it.

Knowing that everything is taken care for Heero’s visit, he finally heads to his home office, grabbing his briefcase from the table where he’d left it when he gotten home. He removes the papers he needs to go through over the weekend and sets them on his desk. He briefly contemplates getting started on them, but he doesn’t want to stop in the middle of working when Heero arrives. He’s also tired from a long day of meetings and paperwork.

He decides to shower and change instead. When he gets out, dressed in a nicer pair of jeans and a button-down dress shirt, he checks in on his cook. Everything seems to be going well, so Quatre leaves him be. There’s less than an hour before Heero is supposed to arrive. He doesn’t have anything else to do before then so he settles on the couch and turns the TV on.

—

Quatre’s just finishing setting the table when the buzzer goes off for his apartment. He smiles brightly and rushes to the door, pressing the intercom button. “Yes?”

There’s no response at first, and Quatre’s smile starts to fade slightly. Maybe it hadn’t been Heero after all and someone had just pressed his apartment by accident. He decided to try again. “Hello? Heero?”

This time there’s an automatic connection from the other side as soon as he releases the button. “….Yeah,” is the only response Heero gives, but it’s enough for Quatre’s smile to come back full force.

He buzzes Heero in and turns back to his apartment, giving one last quick glance to see if there was anything out of place. Everything looks fine and he knows Heero wouldn’t care either way. He doesn’t know what to do with himself in the meantime though so he re-arranges his couch cushions one more time. It seems to take forever for Heero to make it to his door and when he finally hears the knock on his door, Quatre jumps slightly.

He shakes his head at himself and walks to the door. He takes a deep breath, feeling anxious about seeing Heero for some reason. When he spoke to Relena on the phone, she’d expressed her worry about Heero’s well-being and left the impression that he hadn’t been doing well when he’d left.

When he opens the door, the Heero standing on the other side looks the same as he always does, gaze dark and intense, expression neutral. It doesn’t exactly mean anything. Heero has never been an expressive person and has always had a tight hold over his emotions.

Despite his worries,Quatre can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face at seeing his old friend. “Heero!” Quatre greets brightly and quickly moves away from the door, opening it wider to allow Heero in. “You made it!”

Heero gives a small nod and a smile in greeting, and takes the silent invitation to enter Quatre’s apartment. He stands by the door as Quatre closes it behind him, hands buried in his pockets as he glances around.

He’s been to Quatre’s before so Quatre doesn’t bother offering him a tour. Instead, he smiles and gestures towards Heero. “Let me take your coat,” he says with a small smile.

Heero seems to hesitate for a moment before he acquiesces and removes his jacket, then hands it to Quatre. After putting it away in the small closet by the door, Quatre turns back to Heero, looking him over once more. He’s wearing just a plan t-shirt and jeans, casual and normal and just like Heero. He smiles slightly and lifts his hands to press them together briefly. “So! How have you been?”

“Good,” Heero says shortly, tone as terse as ever. Quatre doesn’t let it bother him. He wasn’t expecting Heero to be open to him about his true feelings.

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear it,” he says with another small smile. There’s a small beat of silence before continues, “Well, I hope you’re hungry,” and leads the way further into the apartment.

“That’s why I came,” Heero deadpans and Quatre throws a small grin over his shoulder at him.

“So, it wasn’t because you missed me?” Quatre teases lightly, turning to face Heero when they make it to the dining room. He doesn’t expect Heero to respond so he continues on. “Do you want some wine?” he asks, gesturing to the bottle and two glasses he’d set on the table earlier.

Heero shakes his head. “I don’t drink.”

Quatre is a little surprised by that fact, but thinking back, he doesn’t recall ever seeing Heero drink. He gives a small nod of acknowledgment. “Is it okay if I drink?” he asks curiously. He doesn’t want to make Heero uncomfortable.

“That’s fine,” Heero replies with a nod.

Quatre replies with a small nod of his own and pours himself a glass. He takes a small sip before he sets the glass back on the table by his plate. “Is there anything else you’d like to drink. I think I have some juice-.”

“Water’s fine.”

Quatre nods once more and gestures to the table. “Please take a seat, I’ll go get the food and your water,” he says and quickly heads into the kitchen.

—

Dinner is quiet at first, but Quatre wasn’t expecting it to be any other way. Heero had never been the talkative type like Duo and while Quatre enjoyed stimulating conversations over dinner, he could also appreciate a silent meal as well. There's an awkwardness to the silence though that Quatre eventually feels the need to fill.

“Do you like the food?”

Heero looks up and nods, licking his lips quickly before he speaks. “Yes. It’s good,” he says simply and turns his gaze back to his plate.

Quatre smiles softly and nods in return, turning his attention back to his plate as well. He wracks his mind for something else to say. He’s never had a hard time starting conversations, but there’s only one thing he wants to discuss with Heero and it’s the one thing he doesn’t want to bring up at the moment.

“Did you make it?” Heero suddenly asks, pulling Quatre from his thoughts.

Quatre looks up in surprise, blinking quickly at the question. “Excuse me?”

“The food. Did you make it?” Heero asks, pointing at his plate with his fork.

“Oh,” Quatre starts with a small chuckle and shakes his head. “No. I had someone come over and make it. Trust me, you don’t want to try my cooking.”

Heero nods slowly and looks down again. “I see…”

“I only have food prepared like this if I have guests coming over, though. Usually, I order take out or make something simple for myself that not even _I_ can mess up,” Quatre continues, since the topic of their food is a safe subject and it was as good a place to start than anything else.

Heero nods slowly, a small frown marring his brow. “But you didn’t know I was going to show up. What would you have done if I hadn’t?”

“Then I would’ve had plenty of leftovers for the next few days,” Quatre said with a smile, eyes crinkling at the corners in his amusement.

They stare at each other quietly across the table. Quatre ducks his head slightly and says, “I’m glad you came though. It’s been so long since I last saw you. It’s good to see you.”

Heero nods slightly, humming softly in agreement. “You too, Quatre.”

Quatre smiles again, eyes lighting up a little more at Heero’s response.

They fall silent again, but this time it feels a little easier. Of course, as far as he knows, Heero didn’t know how to be awkward so he was probably at ease the entire time.

Quatre watches him covertly as they eat. Or he tries to. Every time he looks up, Heero catches his gaze and he quickly averts his gaze back to his plate in embarrassment. He doesn’t know how to broach the subject of Heero’s visit without having Heero shut down on himself before Quatre can even get him to open up.

Finally, he clears his throat gently and looks up once more, catching Heero’s gaze with a gentle smile. “So, when did you get here?”

“Yesterday.”

“Are you here for work?”

“No. I’m taking a break from work at the moment.”

“Oh? Like a vacation?”

“You could say that…”

“A vacation sounds nice,” Quatre says with a smile. “How long?”

“I don’t know…”

“Heero-”

“Relena called you, didn’t she?”

“I…” Quatre stills, mouth opening slightly before he nods his head slowly. “Yeah, a few days ago.”

Heero sighs quietly and looks away, shaking his head slightly. “She shouldn’t have done that.”

“She’s just worried about you. She wanted to know if I’d heard from you.”

“I’m fine.”

Quatre knows it’s a lie, but he doesn’t say anything about it. “You should let her know that,” he says instead. “You don’t have to talk to her directly if you don’t want to,” he adds after another few moments of silence from Heero. “You could send her an email, or if you want, I could call her for you.”

“No. That’s fine. Thank you,” Heero says and pushes away from the table. “I should go.”

“No, wait, Heero, please don’t go,” Quatre says hurriedly, standing as Heero turns away.

Heero stops and turns back to Quatre, and that’s the first sign that Heero isn’t truly upset with him. If he was, he wouldn’t have stopped and would’ve kept going. He lets out a small breath, shoulders relaxing. “Where are you staying?” he asks softly.

“Motel a couple blocks away.”

“And knowing you, it’s one of those seedy, rundown ones, huh?”

Heero doesn’t respond, his face remaining impassive, but he averts his gaze just so and Quatre knows he’s right. “Stay here. I’ve got a guest room you can stay in.”

“I don’t want-”

“You’re not imposing. I _want_ you here, Heero,” Quatre insists and after a moment adds a “Please?”

Heero doesn’t sigh, but Quatre can still hear it when he says, “I’ll go get my bag from the motel.”

Quatre smiles widely. “Great! I’ll be waiting for you.”

Heero gives Quatre a look, but the smile doesn’t waver off of Quatre’s face. He knows that Heero could just walk out of his apartment and not come back, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Heero’s going to do what he feels is necessary for himself, but Quatre believes that what Heero really needs is a friend right now. Someone that’s a little more in tune with their emotions, someone’s who been through this kind of heartache before, someone who will wait until Heero is ready to talk.

Heero lets out a tiny huff, the corner of his mouth twitching slightly as he shakes his head. “I’ll be right back,” he says turning away again and heading to the door. Quatre follows him to the door, opening it for him when they get there.

“Thanks for dinner,” Heero says as he steps out.

The way he says it makes Quatre a little nervous so he says, “I’ll make us breakfast in the morning.”

Heero stops and turns to Quatre, quirking an eyebrow. “I thought you said I wouldn’t like your cooking?”

“Ah, you’re right. I’ll order us breakfast then.”

“Or I could make us breakfast.”

Quatre’s eyes widen slightly in surprise. “I didn’t know you could cook,” he says, but he’s relieved. Heero wouldn’t offer if he didn’t intend on coming back.

Heero shrugs. “Just a little.”

Quatre smiles and nods. “Well, I’d like that. I bet none of the other guys have had your cooking. They’ll be so jealous.”

Heero just huffs in amusement and lifts a hand as he turns and walks away. Quatre watches him until he disappears into the elevator before he closes his front door.

—

Quatre isn’t exactly surprised when Heero comes back. He trusted Heero to keep his word, but still, his shoulders relax in obvious relief when he hears the ring from the intercom. He immediately buzzes in Heero again and waits for him to reach the apartment.

While waiting for Heero to return, Quatre had been busy getting the guest room ready for him. He doesn’t know how long Heero will stay, but it doesn’t really matter to him. Heero could stay as long as he needed to. Quatre would be grateful for the company.

Once Heero makes it to the apartment, Quatre leads him to the guest bedroom. “Make yourself at home,” he says, opening the bedroom door for Heero. “It’s yours for as long as you want it.”

Heero pauses in the doorway, looking into the room before he spares a quick glance toward Quatre. “Thanks,” he says solemnly and steps into the room.

Quatre watches Heero look around the room, and smiles softly. “I’m thinking about watching a movie before bed. Come join me after you’ve settled in if you’re interested,” Quatre says with a small wave. At Heero’s nod of acknowledgment, he returns down the hall to the living room, leaving Heero alone for now.

He goes to the living room and picks out a movie, one he thinks Heero might enjoy as well. He doesn’t wait for the other though. If Heero decides to join him, he’ll just restart the movie from the beginning.

—

Heero closes the door when Quatre leaves, then sets his bag on the bed. He gives the room another slow look over before he sits on the edge of the bed, shoulders sagging as the tension leaks out of his body. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, eyes closing.

When he opens them again, he still doesn’t understand how he got into this situation. He feels lost, cast adrift. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to do now.

The thing is, Relena broke up with him and he didn’t understand why. His and Relena’s relationship had never been normal, but they cared about each other and that’s all that mattered to him. They’d had their ups and downs over the years, but nothing had ever made him feel like things were so bad that they couldn’t work their way through it. Whenever Relena wasn’t satisfied with something, she discussed it with Heero. He even started seeing a therapist at her request to get him to resolve some of his underlying issues leftover from the war.

Other than that, he'd done everything he thought he was supposed to- held her hand, kissed her, made love to her, stood by her side and protected her. He’d done everything he thought he should to make her happy.

But it just hadn’t been enough. He’d fucked up somewhere along the line and he couldn’t figure out where.

He didn’t know what to expect now. Would she change her mind? No, he didn’t think so. Her words hadn’t been said in anger. She’d been calm and rational when she told him it was over. He had no doubt in his mind that it was something she’d agonized over for weeks before bringing it up with him.

Heero had reacted the only way he knew how. He left. He bounced from colony to colony for a few days before he finally found himself on the same colony as Quatre. It wasn’t intentional but when he thought about it, he realized that it was probably the best course of action now that he was there.

When it came to emotions, Quatre was probably the best candidate to understand him out of all the pilots. He would understand how he felt without needing Heero to explain. He wouldn’t force Heero to talk until he was ready but he also wouldn’t let it go without being addressed.

He was exactly what Heero needed right now when he just wanted to be alone but not really.

He was exactly what Heero was going to need in the future when he’d want to talk but not know how.

—

Relena calls. Heero doesn’t answer.

He stares at her name on the screen as his phone vibrates next to him on the bed. It soon stops and the screen goes dark, but a few moments later, it lights up again with a notification that he has a missed call and a voicemail. He hesitates a moment before he picks up his phone. He’s not sure he wants to listen to the message, but he forces himself to do it anyway.

“Heero…Quatre called me and told me you're there with him. I’m glad. I’ve been so worried about you. I wish you would talk to me. You didn’t have to leave, you know.”

She falls silent and Heero can hear papers moving in the background. She must’ve been at the office. “Please call me when you can, Heero. I want to talk to you…try to explain…I still care about you, Heero. You know that, right? I wish…” She stops and sighs softly into the phone. “I’d rather not discuss this in a message like this. Please just call me. I want to hear directly from you that you’re okay. I’ll be waiting.”

The message ends and Heero clasps his phone in both hands. He wants to call her back, but he doesn’t want to talk to her. Not yet. Not with that sigh in her tone. That sigh that’d been there for longer than he’d care to admit. The sigh that _he_ causes.

There’s a deep ache in his chest that feels like failure and loss.

He wants to call her back, but he doesn’t want to talk to her. Doesn’t want to hear her say those words again.

_I love you, Heero, but…_

That ‘but’ hadn’t existed a few years ago.

He had been the one to create it, though. It was his fault. It was his fault Relena wasn’t happy anymore and there wasn’t anything he could do about it now.

—

They’re sitting down for dinner the following night. Heero still doesn’t know when he plans to move on, so he’s taken up dinner duty as repayment. Him cooking also means Quatre doesn’t have to pay fr take-out or for someone to come make them dinner every night since he still insists that Heero wouldn’t like his own cooking.

Heero doesn’t try to argue. He’s not too particular about his food though. As long as it’s edible, that’s all that matters to him. He’s not that bad of a cook himself though. He can follow simple recipes and it usually turns out pretty good in his opinion so he doesn’t mind cooking for them.

“Relena called today,” he says suddenly in the middle of their meal, breaking the silence that’d fallen between them.

Quatre looks up in surprise, eyes widening slightly. “And?” he prompts after a few moments when Heero doesn’t continue.

“I didn’t answer,” Heero admits reluctantly, looking down at his place, “But she left a message.”

Quatre doesn’t say anything for a moment. “What did she say?”

“She said that you told her I was staying with you,” he says abruptly, and it’s not exactly what he wanted to discuss, but he can’t seem to bring himself to discuss the issue itself.

Quatre blinks in surprise at the sudden accusation. “Oh, um, are you mad?” he asks, expression and tone wary.

Heero shakes his head. “No, not really,” he says, because he’s really _not_. “But I wish you had told me you spoke to her.”

Quatre looks down for a moment, looking a little guilty. “I’m sorry,” he says softly then glances up at Heero with a small smile. “I promise to let you know the next time I talk to her.”

Heero would’ve preferred Quatre not talking to her at all, but he couldn’t tell him that. Quatre was Relena’s friend too and he couldn’t stop them from communicating. He just didn’t like the idea of them talking about _him_ behind his back, but there was no helping it, he guessed.

“Thanks,” is all he says, and resumes eating, letting the topic drop. He doesn’t ask Quatre to help him figure out what he could’ve done wrong like he wants. Quatre wouldn’t know the answer anyway. Heero has to figure it out for himself.

—

Quatre wakes up one morning and Heero is gone. He doesn’t find him anywhere in the apartment and panics for a moment before he realizes that Heero’s bag is still in his room and he manages to relax. He’s curious to know where Heero went though. It’s not even six in the morning, where could Heero possibly go that early in the morning? He puts it out of his mind for the time being and goes to take a shower before getting ready for work.

He’s in the kitchen making coffee when he hears the front door open and shut. “Heero?” he calls out and a few moments later, Heero enters the kitchen. He’s covered in sweat, skin glistening with it, hair plastered to his forehead and shirt sticking to his body like a second skin.

Quatre’s eyes widen slightly when he sees him, mouth going dry. He swallows a few times and tries not to stare. He isn't sure what he was expecting but a sweaty Heero hadn’t been it.

Heero doesn’t seem to notice Quatre’s reaction and walks to the table, a white paper bag in his hands. “I brought you donuts,” he says, setting the bag on the table.

“Oh,” Quatre says, glad to have something else to focus on now. Even if it’s just donuts. “Uh…”

Heero looks over at Quatre, brows furrowing, finally seeming to notice Quatre’s reaction. “What?”

Quatre shakes his head quickly and averts his eyes. “N-nothing. I just-” he clears his throat and turns his gaze back to Heero, careful to keep his eyes on Heero’s face. “You went for a run?” It’s the only logical conclusion he can make and he’s actually pretty proud of himself for being able to think of it considering how difficult he’s finding it to concentrate at the moment.

Heero gives a curt nod. “I couldn’t sleep and got bored this morning,” he says with a shrug then turns back towards the table. “I wasn’t expecting to stay out so long though and couldn’t get back in time to make breakfast. Sorry.”

“It’s fine, Heero. You’re not obligated to make breakfast every morning, you know,” Quatre says, finally able to shake off the shock of Heero’s appearance. He doesn’t want Heero to feel guilty for not doing something like make breakfast. It's nice to have a warm breakfast every morning, but it isn't something Quatre _expects_ from Heero.

“I like doing it,” Heero counters immediately, glancing over his shoulder at Quatre.

The response makes Quatre’s heart jump a little, and he smiles softly. “Well, as long as you want to,” he says, moving towards the table and reaching for the bag. He opens it and grabs one of the pastries. “Donuts are a nice change every now and then, though.”

He takes a small bite, eyes crinkling in the corners with a smile. Heero watches him eat for a moment, gaze intent on Quatre. Heero tends to stare a lot, and Quatre has mostly gotten used to it. The first few times had made Quatre feel super self-conscious but he soon realized that it was just something Heero did and as soon as he was satisfied with whatever he was looking for, he would stop.

Except he doesn’t this time, and when he’s still staring as Quatre finishes the first donut, he can feel the back of neck prickle with sweat. It makes him feel nervous, like Heero’s going to see his inner thoughts if he stares too long, like that’s what Heero’s trying to do by staring so long.

He coughs lightly and turns his head towards Heero, raising his eyebrows lightly at the other. His eyebrows arch up higher on his forehead when Heero quickly looks away as soon as their eyes meet, turning away from him completely.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Heero says on his way out of the kitchen.

Quatre doesn’t reply and just watches him leave, eyes focused on the back of his head. He lets out a sigh when Heero’s gone, shoulders relaxing as he leans against the table. He’s not sure what just happened. Heero doesn’t usually look away when Quatre confronts him about his staring. Not like that anyway, like he’s running away.

He lets out another sigh and places his hand on his chest, feeling his heart pound against his palm and frowns.

That’s troublesome.

He’d always found Heero attractive, had even had feelings for him at one point when they were teenagers. He didn’t know exactly what it was, respect and admiration mixed up with confused teenaged hormones. That’s what he’d always chalked it up to anyway. Not that it ever mattered. Heero had always been out of reach for Quatre, too caught up in his mission and Relena. And then there had also been Trowa, and everything Quatre felt for Trowa outshone everything else.

But that was then, and this is now and Quatre has been alone for a long time. That's the only plausible explanation for it. Quatre has been alone for so long and now he isn't. Now he has Heero around almost all the time. It's only logical for his feelings to get confused, especially considering Quatre had had feelings for Heero before.

It's the last thing either of them needs though. If Heero had been emotionally unavailable back then, he's even more so now and developing feelings for him now would only end in heartache for the both of them.

—

It’s past midnight and as usual, Heero can’t sleep. He tends to stay in his room most nights, stealing DVDs from Quatre’s movie collection to watch on his laptop in his room so he wouldn’t disturb Quatre. Every once in a while, he’ll venture out of his room though, either to use the restroom or find something to eat or drink from the kitchen.

It’s on one of his return trips from the kitchen that it happens. In order to get back to his room (and when did he stop thinking of it as the “guest room” and as “his”?), he has to go past Quatre’s. He’s done it countless times during his sleepless nights wandering around Quatre’s apartment in the past week, but this time is different.

The door is cracked open just slightly and Heero pauses just outside, ears straining. It takes a moment but he hears it again, that same soft whimpering that had him pausing in the first place. He peeks through the door, eyes adjusting to the darkness in Quatre’s room. There’s a little light spilling in from the hallway that helps a little, but the room is still shrouded in shadows.

He can see well enough though, enough to make out Quatre’s form tossing on the bed, small sounds of distress coming from him. Heero doesn’t hesitate to push the door open further. He quietly walks towards Quatre’s bed and sets his glass of water on the table beside the bed.

He looks down at Quatre, thrashing in his sleep, blankets getting tangled around his limbs. Heero can barely make out his face with the small amount of light coming in from the hall, but the distress Quatre is in is obvious. Without thinking further about it, he moves closer to Quatre’s bed.

“Quatre…!” Heero calls out urgently, leaning over as he reaches out to grab Quatre’s shoulder. He barely manages to put his hand on Quatre when Quatre’s eyes snap open, a sharp gasp escaping him.

He bolts up into a sitting position, eyes wide but unseeing, fist flying towards Heero’s face. Heero’s only saved by his inhuman reflexes, and he manages to grab Quatre’s wrist, stopping Quatre's fist inches from his face.

Quatre struggles against Heero’s hold for a moment before his eyes clear and he stares at Heero, chest heaving. “Heero?”

“Yeah.”

“What are- Oh, my god, did I hurt you?” Quatre quickly says, eyes seeming to widen further in fear.

Heero quickly shakes his head. “Almost, but not quite,” he said, knowing that if Quatre had managed to hit him, it would’ve hurt like a bitch. “I’m fine. Are you?”

Quatre finally relaxes a little, but he’s still breathing hard, hair plastered to his face with sweat. “No- I mean, yeah, I’m fine.”

Heero doesn’t say anything, but he sits down at the edge of Quatre’s bed and waits, watching Quatre intently. Quatre eventually takes a deep, slow breath before he lets out on a shuddery sigh. “It was just a nightmare. Nothing to worry about. I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”

Heero shakes his head. “No, I was already up,” he says, then quietly after a moment’s silence asks, “What was it about?”

Quatre glances at Heero quickly before averting his gaze back down to his blankets. There are tears in his eyes now, Heero can see them even by the faint light coming in through the open bedroom door. There are plenty of things Quatre could have been dreaming about, but Heero’s positive, he knows what it was about.

“You don’t have to tell me if you want to,” he says finally and notices the way Quatre’s shoulders relax.

“Thank you, Heero,” Quatre says quietly, tone heavy with relief.

“I have them too, you know.”

Quatre looks up at him, brows wrinkled in slight confusion.

“Nightmares. About the war.”

Quatre swallows convulsively. He doesn’t say anything for a long moment before he licks his lips quickly and finally asks in a quiet, almost hesitant tone, “How- How do you deal with them?”

Heero almost wishes he had a solution for Quatre. They both went through hell and back and he had no doubts the other pilots also had lingering scars from that time. “I don’t. Not really. I just don’t sleep most nights,” he confesses quietly.

Quatre’s eyes widen slightly before he shakes his head. “That’s not good, Heero. You need to rest your body!” he exclaims quietly and Heero can tell that he’s genuinely concerned for his well-being and not just trying to deflect attention from himself.

“I rest when I need to. I’ve never needed much sleep,” he admits with a small shrug. The truth is that he literally _can’t_ sleep, no matter how much he tries, so he’s long since given up. Eventually, his body will succumb to its need for sleep. When that happens, he usually sleeps for days at a time.

Quatre doesn’t look too convinced by Heero’s response, but he doesn’t press the issue, instead asking, “So what do you do instead?”

Heero shrugs again. “Lately I’ve just been watching movies, but I also read a book or the news online, or write on my blog, whatever to pass the time.”

Quatre nods slowly at Heero’s response then suddenly stills, eyes widening slightly in bewilderment. “Wait, did you say blog?”

Heero stares at Quatre, not sure why that stuck out to him the most. “Yeah.”

“You…have a blog?” Quatre asks again, tone heavy with disbelief.

“Yeah,” Heero repeats, brows furrowing slightly. “Is that a problem?”

Quatre quickly shakes his head. “No, no, of course not! I just…didn’t know you had a blog,” he finishes weakly, averting his gaze.

Heero doesn’t think Quatre is making fun of him so he lets it go. He can’t really blame Quatre for his surprise either. “It was my therapists idea, and Relena thought it was a good idea too, so I got one,” he explains with a small shrug. He’s not embarrassed about it.

Quatre returns his gaze to Heero as he explains, and nods slowly. “What do you blog about?” he asks after a small moment.

Heero hesitates a moment before he shrugs once more. “Usually about my day, sometimes I talk about current events and politics,” Heero says and stops when he sees that Quatre is smiling. “What?”

Quatre gives a small shake of his head, smile spreading further across his face. “Nothing, nothing, I’m just…having a hard time picturing you blogging,” he admits with a small chuckle.

Heero’s eyes narrow and his mouth tightens around the corners. He knows Quatre wasn’t making fun of him, but his defenses still went up at the comment. The only people that knew about his blog was his therapist and Relena. Quatre was the first person he’d _voluntarily_ told about it.

Quatre seems to realize his mistake, eyes widening as he shakes his head quickly. “Ah, I’m sorry! That was rude. I’m not making fun of you, Heero. I promise.”

“I know,” Heero says in response, corner of his mouth lifting in a small, barely there smile to reassure the other that he isn't upset or angry with him.

Quatre seems to relax at his reply, smile returning to his face. He’s quiet for a moment before he clears his throat. “Um, can I see it?”

Heero’s eyebrows lift slightly in surprise. “You want to see it?” he repeats dubiously.

“Yes, of course. I’m curious,” Quatre says softly with a small nod.

Heero hesitates, studying the shadowed features of Quatre’s face. “Okay. If you really want to,” he eventually says with another shrug of his shoulder. There's a small ball of apprehension at the thought of letting Quatre seeing his blog.

They aren't just entries of his everyday life and political views. He sometimes poured his heart out in his entries, in ways he could never express himself outwardly. No one other than his therapist had ever read them. Not even Relena. Sure, it's on the internet and anyone could stumble across it, but those people didn’t matter. He didn’t know them and so their opinions mattered little to Heero.

“Really?” Quatre asks, eyes widening in surprise.

Heero nods. “I’ll show it to you tomorrow,” he says, and gets up from the bed. “You have work in the morning, right? You should get back to sleep.”

“O-oh, right,” Quatre says with a small, awkward chuckle and ducks his head. “I doubt I’ll get any more sleep tonight, but I suppose I should try…” He trails off before he seems to shake himself out of whatever he’d been thinking about. He turns his face back up towards Heero and smiles. “Thank you, Heero.”

Heero nods silently and starts to walk towards the bedroom door, pausing briefly to glance over his shoulder at Quatre. “Good night,” he says quietly before he slips back out into the hallway. He doesn’t close the door all the way, leaves it cracked open like he found it. He can faintly hear Quatre return the statement and the blankets rustling as he lays back down and waits until he can hear Quatre settle before he returns down the hall to his room.

—

Quatre doesn’t get much more sleep for the rest of the night. He gives up an hour before his alarm is supposed to go off and decides to just get up. After a quick trip to the bathroom, he makes his way to Heero’s room, hesitating a moment before knocking lightly on the door. There’s a moment of silence before he hears Heero’s muffled “come in”.

He pushes the door open slowly and pokes his head in. He finds Heero sitting on his bed, book open in his lap. “Good morning,” he says, a small smile on his face, and pushes the door open fully.

Heero closes the book and sets it aside. “You’re up early.”

Quatre chuckles slightly, ducking his head. “Well, I couldn’t really sleep after last night…”

Heero nods in understanding and gets to his feet. “I’ll go make breakfast.”

Quatre shakes his head quickly, holding his hands up. “No, there’s no need to do it now. It’s still pretty early. I just wanted to see if you were still up. I’m sorry for disturbing you.”

“It’s fine. I wasn’t busy,” he quickly reassures him. Silence falls between them for a long moment before Heero finally asks the question Quatre could see written all over his face. “Is there anything else you need?”

Quatre coughs lightly and ducks his head again, reaching up to run his hand through his hair nervously. “Ah, well, last night you said I could see your blog and I was wondering if, um, I could do it now? If that’s alright with you,” he quickly adds at the end.

Heero doesn’t reply right away, looking at Quatre with that intense gaze of his. He suddenly breaks eye contact and nods. “Sure. That’s no problem,” he says, then turns away towards his desk.

Quatre relaxes, letting out a small breath and finally takes the opportunity to glance around Heero’s room. His eyebrows raising in surprise when he notices the different mugs placed around the small space.

“Is this coffee?” he asked, peering into one of the cups. It was still half full, the dark liquid inside sloshing against the sides as he tips it over gently.

Heero nods as he sits at the desk, opening his laptop. Quatre walks over and points to another mug sitting in the far corner of Heero’s desk. “And that too?”

Heero glances at the cup distractedly. “Yeah,” he says, typing in the password to unlock his laptop.

Quare glances around the room, counting each abandoned cup. He reaches six before he turns to Heero. “Are these all from last night?”

“Not all of them, but most, yes,” Heero says distractedly as his fingers fly across the keyboard.

“You ever think you’d sleep more if you didn’t drink so much coffee?” Quatre asks in amusement.

Heero glances up at him. “I doubt that’s the problem,” he says, and grabs the cup on the desk. He peers into it before turning the mouth towards Quatre. “I don’t finish any of them. They just get cold.”

“So you just go get another cup?”

“Yeah.”

“I see,” Quatre says, covering his mouth as he chuckles softly. “Why not just warm it up?”

Heero’s only response is to shrug and Quatre laughs again. It’s a bit of a waste of coffee but it’s not like Quatre can’t afford to buy more. “Well, alright. Whatever works for you,” he says, then leans over Heero’s shoulder to get a look at his computer screen. “Is that your blog?” he asks, turning his face to look at Heero, chest brushing against Heero’s shoulder.

He feels Heero tense at the touch and subtly moves away. “Sorry,” he mumbles softly, cheeks warming in embarrassment. He knew Heero didn’t like people in his personal space unbidden and hadn’t been thinking when he moved in so close. Sharing something so personal is probably already making Heero uneasy, and Quatre doesn’t want to make him anymore uncomfortable than he already is.

Heero shakes his head and places his hands on the edge of the desk, pushing his chair away. “It’s okay,” he says, then gets up. “You sit. I’m going to go get some coffee. You want some?”

Quatre nods and takes the seat while Heero grabs a few of the cups sitting around the room before he leaves. Quatre can’t help but smile after him before he turns back to the laptop, heart suddenly pounding. He’s a little nervous about looking through Heero’s blog. While Heero is pretty frank about most things, this is a private view into his thoughts and feelings. It’s a little daunting knowing Heero trusts him with it.

The first thing he notices is that there hasn’t been an update since Heero came to stay with him. He skims through the lengthy posts about Heero’s political views, the world after the war and everything that’s been happening since then. It’s nothing he hasn't already discussed with Heero before. There are a lot of posts where Heero just talks about this day. He came across a litter of kittens on his run one time, he helped an elderly woman cross the street on his way from the grocery store, little things that make Quatre smile.

Then there are the posts Quatre’s most interested in, the ones that cause his chest to squeeze tight. These posts about Heero’s emotional and mental state hurt to read, to know how lost Heero feels, unsure how to fit into society after everything he’s been through. Quatre can relate and that makes it worse to understand on a personal level what his friend his going through.

He doesn’t get through too many posts since he still needs to get ready for work. He wishes he could stay and just go through Heero’s blog, but he forces himself to close the laptop. He’d like to ask if he could look at it again, but he doesn’t. This small glimpse was enough for him.

—

Heero stands by the window in Quatre’s office, looking down at the street below. Quatre had asked him to join him for lunch that day, so he’d arrived a little before noon, but Quatre had been in a meeting so he’d been told to wait in his office until he's done. He hears the door open behind him, but doesn’t bother turning around since he can see Quatre’s reflection in the glass walking towards him.

“See anything interesting?” Quatre asks, walking up beside him.

Heero turns to Quatre, then realizes he has to tilt his head up a little to look at Quatre. “You’ve gotten taller than me…” he says instead of answering. He’s surprised that he never noticed before. They’d both grown taller over the years, but he hadn’t realized that Quatre had kept growing after Heero had stopped.

Quatre turns to him in surprise, eyes widened slightly. “Hmm?” He glances down at Heero, looking him up and down before he grins, a small playful one curving his lips. “So it seems,” he says, reaching up to place his hand on the top of Heero’s head. “But only by a couple inches, I’d guess. Should we measure ourselves to check for certain?”

Heero rolls his eyes, knocking Quatre’s hand off his head lightly and turns back towards the window. “That’s not necessary. It was just an observation.”

Quatre places his hand over his mouth and chuckles lightly, eyes crinkling around the corners. “I see,” he says, going back to looking out the window as well.

“Are you done with your meetings?” Heero asks, changing the subject. He keeps his gaze down at the streets, watching the cars zip by impassively.

“Oh, yes,” Quatre says with an eager nod. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I hope it wasn’t long.”

Heero shakes his head. “It’s fine. I got there early, so it’s my fault I had to wait.”

Quatre smiles in relief and nods again. “So, let’s go get lunch. Do you have anything in mind?”

Heero shrugs. “Wherever you want is fine with me. I’ll eat anything.”

“Of course you will,” Quatre comments with a small laugh.

—

Quatre tells Heero about his meetings over lunch. Heero listens attentively, giving his opinion here and there whenever Quatre asks. It’s nice to have someone outside of work to talk to, someone that will listen to him. He misses having someone around like that.

Eventually, they fall silent, like most of their meals do. It’s not uncomfortable, and it’s not stifling. The air is open to conversation if they choose to engage, but neither feel the need to break the silence just yet.

Quatre eats quietly, glancing at Heero every so often. There’s something else he wants to tell Heero, but he’s not sure how to bring it up. He doesn’t want to ruin their meal, and he knows it will only upset Heero. He can’t put it off though because he made a promise to Heero and he doesn’t want Heero to find out later and think Quatre broke it.

He stops eating and sets his fork down, licking his lips quickly as he turns his full attention to Heero. He swallows thickly and takes a small breathe. “I spoke to Relena earlier this morning,” Quatre says quietly, averting his gaze slightly.

He hears Heero pause, and glances back up to see Heero staring at him, shoulders tense. Quatre feels bad for bringing up, but he doesn't have a choice. “You told me you wanted me to tell you when I spoke to her.”

Heero shoulders relax slightly, but Quatre can tell Heero’s still tense from the way his hands are gripping his fork. “What did you talk about?”

“You mostly. She wanted to know how you're doing.”

“What did you say?”

“I said she should wait until you’re ready to talk to her and find out from you how you’re doing.”

Heero nods in gratitude and looks down at his plate. “Thank you,” he says quietly.

“Are you ever going to talk to her?” he prods gently. He doesn’t want Heero to avoid Relena forever and he knows speaking with Relena and discussing their relationship could help. They’d been through too much to just throw it all away.

Heero frowns down at his plate, before he shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“Heero…”

“I’m not ready yet. I just…need more time…”

Quatre lets out another sigh and nods. “I understand that.” And he does. When he and Trowa broke it off between them, he’d been devastated. It had taken him weeks before he could face Trowa and not feel like his heart was going to break into a million pieces again. “Take as much time as you need. She’ll understand.”

Heero doesn’t respond and they finish the rest of their meal in silence. They part ways afterwards, Quatre going back to the office while Heero heads off to do whatever he does while Quatre is at work. He never asks, and Heero never tells. Quatre worries about him for the rest of the day, but he knows Heero will work through it and do what he needs to do eventually.

—

Quatre wakes up to silence. It’s not that unusual. He sleeps with his door nearly closed, and Heero hardly makes any noise on his own. Even still, this is a different kind of quiet that engulfs his room. It reminds him of the time he woke up and Heero had been out on a run, but it’s still a different kind of silence than even that. It instantly puts him on alert and instead of laying in bed for a few extra minutes like he usually does, he immediately sits up, a small frown furrowing his brows as he gets up.

He leaves his room and pads down the hall towards the living room. Before he even gets there, he knows Heero isn’t there. He’s not in the kitchen either.

“Maybe he went out for a run,” Quatre says to himself before he heads back to his room to get ready for the day. But Heero’s not back by the time Quatre is done and he’s starting to worry a little. Did he leave in the middle of the night while Quatre was sleeping? It wouldn’t be the first time Heero left without saying anything to anybody, but he’d hoped that Heero would at least leave a note if he decided to leave.

He walks back down the hall, adjusting his tie as he goes. He passes by Heero’s closed bedroom door and suddenly stops, staring at it in surprise. He hadn’t even thought to check Heero’s room, too preoccupied with the unusual stillness in his apartment and trying to get ready for work so he wouldn’t be late. And he was always waiting for Quatre in the kitchen with breakfast and coffee when Quatre woke up. The thought that Heero might be in his room had never even crossed his mind.

Feeling a little dumb, he knocks on the door, calling out Heero’s name. There’s no reply and he knocks again, twisting the doorknob to push the door open a little to peek in. The room is dark so Quatre opens the door wider, letting the light from the hall leak in. “Heero?” he repeats and walks further into the room. He stops when he sees Heero laying on the bed. His chest rises and falls gently and Quatre can’t help but stare. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Heero sleep, not in all their time fighting together. It’s strange seeing him in such a vulnerable position, sprawled out on his back on the blankets, arms and legs spread wide.

Quatre starts to back out of the room when he notices that Heero still has his shoes on. He frowns a little, also noting that Heero is still in his day clothes, jeans and a t-shirt. It can’t be comfortable to sleep in and he moves forward to at least take his shoes off for him. He hesitates a moment, hovering by Heero’s bedside. He doesn’t want to disturb Heero’s slumber, he already knows how little sleep Heero gets as it is, but he doesn’t want him to be uncomfortable either.

In the end, Quatre gives in and gently removes Heero’s shoes for him, placing them neatly on the floor by the foot of the bed. He glances at Heero’s face and a soft chuckle, almost a giggle, escapes him. Even in sleep, Heero has a small furrow between his brows, corners of his mouth turned down in a small frown. It’s kind of cute, but Quatre can’t help but wonder what he’s dreaming about.

He shakes his head slightly and reaches over, tugging the blanket gently from under Heero’s feet and spreading it across Heero’s body. He’s still surprised that Heero hasn’t stirred once. He knows that Heero is a light sleeper. He’d walked in on him napping on the couch plenty of times in the past to know that any kind of noise or change in atmosphere will have Heero awake and alert in an instant.

It leaves him a little worried, but Quatre is also grateful for it. Heero definitely needs his sleep. The dark circles under his eyes have been getting worse over the past few weeks and Quatre has been a little concerned about him.

—

Heero sleeps for three days, waking on the third day late in the evening. Quatre hears his bedroom door open from his office next door and is instantly on his feet and in the hallway in time to see Heero disappear into the bathroom. He stands outside the door, leaning against the opposite wall and waits for Heero. He’d checked on Heero constantly the past few days, making sure he was still alive and breathing.

He’d been extremely worried when he’d gotten home that first day to find Heero still asleep in pretty much the same position Quatre had last seen him in. He remembered Heero telling him that he didn’t sleep but he eventually got the sleep he needed and after a quick call to Relena, he realized that this was what Heero meant. According to Relena, Heero’s insomnia kept him up most hours of the day but eventually his body would shut down and force him to get the sleep he needed.

It wasn’t healthy, but Heero refused to take any kind of medication for his insomnia and it didn’t happen often. Heero usually got enough sleep for his body to continue to function normally. Even after being reassured by Relena, Quatre had still worried about him.

The door opens after a few minutes, Heero pausing in the doorway when he notices Quatre. “Hey.”

“Hey? Is that all you have to say? You’ve been asleep for three whole days!” Quatre exclaims a little louder than he’d planned. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to relax, because Heero is fine and there was no need to worry anymore.

Heero blinks a few times at Quatre’s outburst before he slowly reaches up to rub his eyes then run a hand through his hair. “Oh.”

“I was worried about you,” Quatre confesses quietly, looking down.

“Sorry,” Heero says after a moment’s pause. Quatre looks up and sees him rubbing his eyes again. “I must’ve finally hit my limit. It happens.”

Quatre sighs, a gentle smile curving his lips despite everything. “Well, I’m glad to see you finally awake again. I missed you,” he admits, tone soft and wistful. Heero pauses again, looking at Quatre with a faint look of surprise on his face. Quatre feels his face flush suddenly realizing what he’d said. “Um, I mean, you’re probably hungry, right? I’ll order some take-out. What do you want?”

Heero shakes his head. “Whatever you want is fine with me,” he says, watching Quatre closely. Quatre doesn’t meet his gaze and quickly rushes down the hall towards the kitchen to make the call.

He forgot how well Heero could read people and it was pretty obvious how he felt with that simple sentence. He just hopes Heero doesn't hold it again him. He has other, more important things to worry about than Quatre’s unwanted affections.

—

Heero finally calls Relena a couple days after he wakes up. He’s put it off for too long and at this rate, he’ll never get around to it. He takes a walk after dinner, leaving Quatre alone in the apartment with barely a word. He’s too focused on what he’s going to do, heart pounding as he thinks about what Relena will say to him, what _he’ll_ say to her.

He eventually finds himself at the park, and finds a bench to sit on. It’s almost dusk and the park is mostly empty but for a few others taking a walk. His heart pounds as he pulls his phone out. He stares at the screen for a long time, fingers gripping around the edges of the phone tightly, before he finally makes the call.

The phone rings twice before Relena picks up. “Hello? Heero?”

Heero takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Relena…”

“Heero…” Relena repeats softly in relief. “It’s good to hear from you.”

Heero nods jerkily. “Yeah, you too,” he says, then presses his lips together, unsure what else to say. Neither say anything for a long moment until Heero finally speaks up. “You said you wanted to talk…”

“I do, but I want you to talk to me first.”

Heero pauses, mind searching for something, but nothing comes to him. “I don’t have anything to say,” he finally admits.

“Are you sure?”

Quiet again, Heero thinks about everything he’d been feeling the past few weeks. There was only one thing that he wants to know, something he hasn't been able to figure out on his own these past few months. “I just have a question.”

“Okay.”

Heero’s reluctant to ask, afraid of the answer. He licks his lips, sits up straighter and finally forces the question out. “What did I do wrong?”

There’s a stunned silence on the other line before Relena says, emphatically, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Heero.”

“They why?” Heero’s brows furrow as he asks.

“I wasn’t happy anymore, Heero. And I don’t think you were either. It wasn’t your fault though. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. ”

Heero wants to argue, wants to say he _was_ happy, but he’s not sure if that’s true. He’s not sure what he felt anymore. Relena was comforting and familiar and he loves her. That much was true, but was he happy? He isn't sure he even knows what that means.

“I will always love you, Heero. That will never change. I want you to know that,” Relena continues, filling the silence that falls between them. He knows she means it, but it doesn’t help. It only makes him feel worse about everything. She hadn’t been happy, he wasn’t sure what happiness was, but she was the closest thing to it he’d ever known.

Heero swallows, head falling low between his shoulders. “I know,” he says quietly into the phone.

They don’t talk about much else after that. For all the time Heero has been putting off this conversation, it’s surprisingly short. She answered the one thing he’d wanted to know. The rest is on him to figure out on his own. She couldn’t help him.

—

Without a word, Heero takes the glass from Quatre’s hand and downs the red wine quickly. Quatre watches him in surprise. “I thought you didn’t drink,” he says, staring at the other curiously.

 

Heero swallows the last of the wine and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “I don’t. I just-” Need to forget, he doesn’t say, but Quatre seems to understand what he means anyway because he just smiles softly and nods slightly before he walks away into the kitchen. He returns a few moments later with another glass and a bottle of wine.

“Come on,” Quatre says, gesturing for Heero to follow him to the living room. He sits down on the couch and places the wine and glass on the table, turning to Heero with another small smile.

Heero stands there awkwardly for a moment before he sits down next to Quatre, setting the glass he’d stolen from the other down on the coffee table next to Quatre’s empty one. Quatre refills his glass and then pours wine into the other. “What happened?” he asks, setting the bottle back down.

Heero reaches for the glass and hesitates before he takes another drink. He doesn't like to drink, doesn't like the way it alters his mind processes and dulls his sense, but that’s exactly what he wants right now. He's tired of thinking, tired of trying to understand his own emotions.

“I talked to Relena,” he says finally after a lengthy silence.

“Oh,” Quatre says, eyebrows rising in surprise. “How did that go?”

Heero shrugs, and takes another drink of the wine, before he sets it down in his lap, cupping the glass with both hands. He stares down into it intently, trying to figure out how to answer Quatre’s question.

“We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to,” Quatre eventually says, sipping his own wine.

Heero lifts his head to look at Quatre. He’s grateful for him, grateful that he’s let him stay with him without question, grateful that he’s never pushed Heero to talk about his feelings, grateful for his presence and friendship. “Thank you, Quatre. For everything,” he says, then lifts the glass to his lips and empties it.

Quatre watches him quietly, and smiles softly. “Don’t mention it. We’re friends, right?”

Heero nods and holds out his now empty glass. Quatre chuckles quietly and refills it, pouring more into his own glass while he’s at it. They drink in silence after that and Heero takes comfort in Quatre’s presence.

—

“It gets better, right?” Heero suddenly asks sometime later, turning his head towards Quatre. He wants to know if the ache in his chest will ever go away, if he’ll ever be able to think about Relena without it hurting.

Quatre’s brows furrow in a small frown. “It’s different for everyone, but yes, eventually it gets better.”

“How long did it take you?”

Quatre swallows and he looks away. “It took a long time. Trowa was my first love, and when things didn’t work out, it devestated me…”

Heero frowns, suddenly feeling guilty for bringing it up. He doesn’t want to make Quatre sad.

“But eventually it stopped hurting so much. And we’re still friends and I’m eternally grateful for that. If I had lost his friendship along with our relationship then it would’ve hurt a lot more,” Quatre continues, a small smile on his face.

Heero nods in understanding. “I don’t want to lose Relena completely either,” he says quietly. It’s the first time he’s thought about how their relationship would continue. Heero respected her, admired her even, and he didn’t want to lose her friendship on top of everything else.

The smile on Quatre’s face grows. “You won’t,” he says reassuringly. “I know for a fact that Relena doesn’t want to lose you completely either. Relationships grow and change after all, nothing stays the same forever.”

Heero hm’s thoughtfully and sits back on the couch. He can already feel his body relaxing thanks to the wine and he doesn’t try to fight it. He’s safe there with Quatre, there’s nothing he needs to keep his guard up for.

They don’t talk much more after that. They just enjoy each other’s company as they drink. Eventually Quatre stumbles his way to the kitchen to grab another bottle. Heero’s never been drunk before, but he thinks he’s well on his way there.

They finish the second bottle slowly, talking about anything other than love and relationships. Their speech starts to slur in the middle of their conversation and Quatre begins to giggle more often so it makes it harder for Heero to understand him.

Eventually they both quiet down, bodies feeling lethargic and heavy. Quatre leans his head back against the back of the sofa and closes his eyes, exhaling softly.

Heero watches him and licks his lips, eyes moving slowly over his features. He’s not really thinking, mind fuzzy from the wine. And that’s why he doesn’t like to drink. He doesn’t like not having full control of his thought process.

But he’s not thinking about that right then.

Instead, he’s thinking about Quatre’s exposed neck, Adam’s apple bobbing slightly as he swallows gently and the sharp line of Quatre’s jaw. He notices the small laugh lines around his eyes, how wide Quatre’s shoulders have gotten, and then he remembers that Quatre’s taller than him now. They’ve all grown and matured over the years, but it hadn’t hit Heero until just then just how much Quatre has changed physically from the boy he’d met during the war. The only thing that hasn’t changed are his eyes. They’re still the kind and understanding eyes he's always known.

Heero’s hit with the undeniable desire to see them again. “Quatre,” he says, swallowing softly.

“Hm?” Quatre hums, lifting his eyebrows but not bothering to open his eyes. Heero lets out a small frustrated noise and Quatre laughs. “What is it?” he asks, finally turning his head towards Heero, eyes opening slowly.

Heero relaxes further back into the couch, something in his chest settling. “Nothing,” he says with a small shake of his head that sets the world spinning and he immediately stops, blinking rapidly. “I think I’m drunk.”

Quatre laughs, bright and unrestrained. “I’m not surprised. We finished off two whole bottles, after all,” he says, nodding towards the empty wine bottles sitting on the coffee table.

Heero stares at them, letting out a low, long thoughtful hum. He’s not thinking about the wine though. He’s thinking about Quatre’s laugh, how he wants to hear it again, but doesn’t know how to make it happen. He isn’t like Trowa or even Duo who would know exactly what to say or do to make Quatre laugh.

He’s startled out of his thoughts when Quatre suddenly leans over and lays his head against Heero’s shoulder. “Mmm, take me to bed, Heero.”

Heero’s eyes widen slightly and his head jerks back, snapping to the side to try to look at Quatre’s face.“Wh-what?”

Quatre lifts his head slightly to look at Heero. “I’m pretty sure if I try to stand on my own, I’m going to fall flat on my face,” he says, and laughs again. It was what Heero had wanted, but now he’s too bewildered to appreciate it.

“Oh…right,” Heero says quietly and lets out the small breath he’d been holding. His heart is thumping in his chest and he doesn’t know why. It’s strange because he’s usually able to control his body’s natural reactions really well, but he can’t seem to get his heart to stabilize now.

—

Together they make their way slowly to Quatre’s room, leaning on each other and the walls for support. They almost fall several times and end up having to take a break for Quatre to stop laughing. Heero finds himself chuckling along as well a few times, Quatre’s laughter more infectious than he realized.

Eventually they make it to Quatre’s room and Quatre falls back safely into his bed, taking Heero down with him. “Mm, you should just stay here with me,” he says, nuzzling Heero’s jaw.

Heero finds his throat suddenly dry and he has to swallow several times before he can reply. “Would…that be okay?” he whispers, pushing himself up on his elbows to be able to look Quatre in the eye.

“Of course…besides, the guest room is still further down the hall. I don’t think you’d make it there by yourself.”

“Oh…right,” Heero finds himself saying for the second time that night. There’s a strange emotion filling his chest. Disappointment maybe, but he doesn’t let himself dwell on it. He exhales heavily and pushes himself away from Quatre, sitting up on the edge of the bed. “I think I can make it,” he says stubbornly, fists pressing down into the mattress.

Quatre chuckles and rolls onto his side, pushing himself up onto his elbow to watch Heero, eyes shining with amusement. “Well, let’s see it, then, Mr. Yuy.”

Heero’s eyes narrowed and he takes a deep breath, focusing on moving his body. He just needs to get up and walk down the hall. It’s not that hard. He should be in bed in less than a minute. He sits there for a few moments, body tense and ready, but nothing happens. He lets out a frustrated noise and suddenly Quatre laughs, flopping over onto his back, arm thrown over his eyes.

Heero turns to glare at him, but it doesn’t seem to affect Quatre, the other too busy trying to control his laughter.

“Oh, Heero,” Quatre says, tone full of mirth and affection. He reaches out and tugs on Heero’s arm. Heero goes easily, letting Quatre pull him down onto the bed. “It’s fine to share the bed, isn’t it? It’s big enough for the both of us.”

Heero nods and lays back against Quatre’s pillows. Quatre smiles and then heaves himself up onto his elbow to lean across Heero and turn the lamp off, plunging them both into darkness. Quatre flops back onto the bed beside Heero, and lets out a small giggle. “It’s like a sleep over,” he says in a loud whisper.

Heero can’t help but smile slightly. He lays perfectly still as Quatre gets comfortable, shifting and tugging on the blanket until he’s satisfied. By the time he settles down, there’s plenty of space between them on the bed. Heero relaxes slightly at the realization, but he also feels slightly disappointed. They’d been close all night, on the couch and helping each other to the room, and even just a moment ago when Quatre had tugged Heero onto the bed, but now there’s so much distance between them, Heero feels too alone all of a sudden.

He shakes the thoughts away, feeling confused about everything. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Just earlier that night, his chest had ached with loss and heartbreak, but now his chest feels tight for a different reason. He doesn’t know what it is. He still feels the pain of rejection from Relena, but there’s something else there too.

He can’t think, mind too far gone from the alcohol and no matter how much he tries to force himself to think about it, the source of the feeling seems to get farther away from him. Eventually he gives up, falling into an easy sleep for the first time in a long time.

He’ll worry about it in the morning.

—

Heero jolts awake a few hours later, eyes snapping open. He was dreaming, but he doesn’t remember about what. He swallows, mouth feeling dry and disgusting in a way that it’s never felt before. Not even when he woke up after being unconscious for a month. He glances at the time and sees that it’s just after five in the morning. He lets out an inaudible sigh and relaxes back against the pillow, closing his eyes. He thinks about getting up, his mind still feels hazy and he can feel himself drifting off to sleep again.

Something moves beside him and he’s suddenly reminded that he’s not alone in the bed, that this isn’t even his bed. He shifts away from Quatre to give him more room, but Quatre just keeps moving closer to him, wiggling in his sleep until he’s pressed against Heero’s side, arm wrapped around Heero’s middle.

Heero lays still, keeping his breathing even until Quatre settles back into sleep, head laying against Heero’s shoulder. Heero lifts his head and glances down towards Quatre, but he can’t make out his features in the dark. He feels like he should be uncomfortable with their position but he’s not. Quatre’s warmth is welcoming, comforting, and Heero lets himself relax again, eyes closing and finally drifting back to sleep.

When he wakes up again, Quatre’s gone. He sits up in the bed slowly, and glances around the room. There’s a glass of water next to the bed and Heero can only assume it’s for him as he grabs it and drinks half of it. He sets it back down and reaches up to squeeze the bridge of his nose. He has a headache forming right behind his eyes. It’s not enough to keep him down though and he quickly throws the blankets off to get up.

He wobbles a little once he’s on his feet, eyes widening and arms spreading to keep balanced. He quickly shakes it off and makes his way out of Quatre’s room. He still feels out of sorts from the night before so he makes his way carefully down the hall, stomach lurching with every step.

He finds Quatre in the kitchen, sitting at the table with a cup of coffee. Quatre smiles when he sees him. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

Heero’s not sure if he means physically or emotionally considering what happened the day before, but he doesn’t plan on giving a real honest answer either way. “Fine,” he says with a small shrug of his shoulders and makes his way to the coffee maker.

“Then you’re a better man than me because I feel like I’m going to die,” Quatre says with a small chuckle. “It’s a good thing it’s Sunday and I don’t have anywhere to be today.”

“What time is it?”

Quatre blinks a little at the change of subject, and glances at his watch. “A little after noon.”

Heero hm’s softly in acknowledgement and returns to his cup of coffee. He can’t remember the last time he’d slept til noon, if he ever had. He’d always been an early riser thanks to his insomnia and training. Maybe he should get drunk more often, he thinks before he turns to join Quatre at the table and everything spins for a moment and he quickly retracts the thought.

Quatre watches as he makes his way to the table slowly, a questioning look on his face. “Did you have something to do today?”

Heero gives a small, almost unnoticeable shake of his head. “No. I didn’t check the time when I got up…” he says as he takes a seat across from Quatre, setting his coffee down on the table in front of him.

“Ah, I see…Do you want to go out and get something to eat later?”

Heero’s stomach lurches again at the mention of food and he gives another small shake of his head. “No. Not right now. Maybe later.”

“Is this your first hangover?” Quatre asks and takes a sip of his coffee, using the cup to hide his smile. He’s not very successful since Heero can still see the way the corners of his mouth curl up. His eyes give him away anyway, shining with amusement at Heero’s expense.

Heero narrows his eyes. There’s no point in denying it, but it’s also apparent Quatre already knows the answer so he doesn’t bother to answer the question. Quatre sets his cup down, not bothering to hide his smile anymore. “Sorry,” he says, with a small laugh. “You’re doing a lot better than I did my first time.”

Heero doesn’t say anything, just takes a drink of his coffee, watching the easy smile that settles on Quatre’s face.

“But I guess that’s to expected since it’s you,” Quatre continues, not sounding the least bit put off by Heero’s silence. It’s happened before. Quatre could hold an entire conversation on his own while Heero sat there and said nothing. He was similar to Duo in that way, except Quatre didn’t annoy him when he did it the way Duo did.

Heero still doesn’t respond and Quatre just smiles at him before taking another drink of coffee. The silence lengthens, both drinking their coffee. Heero watches as Quatre seems to get more uncomfortable as the time goes on, bottom lip caught between his teeth in thought sometimes.

Heero’s just thinking about asking him what was bothering him when Quatre suddenly looks him in the eye from across the table. Heero’s body tenses slightly in anticipation as Quatre opens his mouth.

“Listen, Heero, about last night…I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable in anyway. I get a little clingy in my sleep,” he says, and ducks his head, cheeks tinted pink in embarrassment.

“It’s fine. You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” he reassures the other, the tension leaking out of his body in a rush.

Quatre smiles in relief and relaxes back into his chair. “Oh, good. That’s good,” he says quietly with a small nod. He suddenly pushes away from the table, chair scraping across the floor loudly in the otherwise quiet kitchen. “I’m going to go take a shower. Start thinking about where you want to eat lunch when you’re feeling up to it,” he says as he gets up and leaves.

Heero watches him leave the kitchen, a small furrow between his brows.

—

Things change after that. It’s a subtle change that happens inside of Heero. He doesn’t know if it’s because he just wants something to take his mind off Relena, or if now that he’s spoken to her, he’s able to pay attention to other things, but he slowly becomes more aware of Quatre in the next few weeks.

He becomes more aware of his presence, aware of the sound of his voice, the way he smiles at Heero, the way he laughs at something Heero says that wasn’t really supposed to be a joke, but seems to amuse Quatre anyway. More importantly, he becomes aware of how Quatre makes him _feel_ , how the ache he feels thinking about Relena isn’t as prominent whenever Quatre is around.

He notices other things too, like the way Quatre blushes when he looks at him sometimes, the way he stares at Heero when he thinks Heero isn’t looking. It’s confusing, and he’s not sure what to do about it so he doesn’t do anything, ignores the way his heartbeat quickens when Quatre gets too near, and the way the back of his neck prickles when Quatre smiles at him a certain way.

He’s good at it and he’s able to continue existing with Quatre the way they had been before. He continues to make breakfast for Quatre in the mornings, and meets up with him for lunch, and has dinner ready when he gets home in the evenings. They watch TV together and talk about their day. They have a routine, and Heero likes it that way.

Things change one night when Quatre gets up from the couch to head to bed.

“Heero…” Quatre says quietly, pausing by the end of the couch. His hand is on the armrest, fingers gripping the fabric. His tone sounds so hesitant that Heero can’t help but look up out of curiosity.

“What?”

Quatre looks down, biting his bottom lip slightly. “I was wondering if…you want to sleep with me tonight?”

Heero’s eyes widen at the question, heart suddenly pounding. “What?” he repeats in bewilderment.

“Like we did that night. I’d forgotten how good it felt to sleep next to someone, to not wake up alone…” Quatre’s blushing lightly as he explains himself and Heero’s throat feels dry watching him.

Quatre suddenly shakes his head and looks away. “I’m sorry. Just forget it. I just thought that since we both have trouble sleeping, it might help, but it’s a ridiculous idea. Sorry. I’m just tired from work, I guess,” he says quickly, forcing out a small laugh and keeping his eyes averted.

Heero frowns slightly before he gets to his feet. He crosses the short distance between them and reaches for Quatre’s wrist, wrapping his fingers around it gently. Quatre lets out a small gasp at the contact, and looks down at Heero, apprehension written all over his face.

“I don’t mind. If that’s what you want,” Heero says quietly, ignoring the way his heart speeds up at the thought of being close to Quatre again. He was used to sleeping next to someone. Even if it didn’t help with his insomnia, it's still comforting having someone laying next to him.

“You don’t have to, Heero. I know this is an awkward thing to ask…”

“I said I don’t mind,” Heero repeats firmly, squeezing Quatre’s wrist gently.

—

Quatre leads the way to his bedroom, hand gripping Heero’s hand tightly like he’s afraid Heero’s going to change his mind. They’re already ready for bed, so there’s nothing else for them to do but get in.

It’s awkward at first. Heero stands by the side of the bed until Quatre’ settles under the blankets, then he climbs in as well. They lay on their backs, Heero on one side of the bed, Quatre on the complete opposite with plenty of space between them for another person to fit. Heero wants to move closer, but he’s not sure exactly what Quatre wants from him, so he waits.

“This is so ridiculous,” Quatre huffs after a moment, and turns onto his side to face Heero, pillowing his cheek on his hand. “We’re friends. We should be able to share a bed without it being awkward, right?”

Heero turns to face Quatre, folding his arm under his head. “It’s not awkward for me,” he lies, and Quatre laughs quietly.

“Come closer, then,” he replies, patting the space between them.

Heero hesitates a second before he scoots over. Quatre moves at the same time he does, and before he knows it, the distance between them is gone. They’re curled on their sides facing each other, knees touching lightly under the blankets.

“If this is weird, let me know,” Quatre whispers into the small space between them.

“It’s a little weird, but it’s fine,” Heero says, then quietly, “I like it.”

It’s easy to admit in the dark, where Quatre can’t see his face and the blush Heero can feel spreading across his cheeks.

Quatre’s only response is to smile, and to shift a little closer to Heero, knees bumping into Heero’s until Heero straightens his legs and moves closer as well. “Turn off the light,” Quatre whispers and Heero blinks a little at the request before he twists around to switch the lamp off.

He turns back around in his previous position, eyes blinking again to adjust to the dark. He listens to Quatre’s breathing and jumps a little when he suddenly feels something touching his chest.

“Sorry,” Quatre says, a small chuckle escaping him as he spreads his hand to press against Heero’s chest. “It’s just me.”

“I know,” Heero says, relaxing once more.

“This is okay, right?” Quatre says softly, fingers curling in the fabric of Heero’s shirt.

“It’s fine,” Heero says with a small nod.

He can hear Quatre’s head moving against the pillow in a nod of his own, but he doesn’t say anything else. Heero lays quietly, listening to Quatre’s breathing until he falls asleep. He tries to sleep as well, but he can’t. He thinks about getting up, but decides against it. Quatre wouldn’t have asked him to do this if he really didn’t need it.

This arrangement might not end up helping _him_ sleep, but if it helps Quatre, that’ll be enough for him.

The next night, he brings a book and stays up reading with a small booklight so he won’t disturb Quatre while he sleeps. He likes the arrangement because it means he can wake Quatre up as soon as he starts showing signs of having a nightmare.

And sometimes he does manage to get a few hours of sleep every other night. It’s not a lot, but it’s something. He likes that too, because then he’ll wake up with Quatre wrapped around him, warm and solid, head on his shoulder.

Overall, he doesn’t mind their new sleeping arrangement.

—

“Quatre…” Heero says one night into the darkness as they settle together under the blankets.

“Yeah?” Quatre says, pausing momentarily and Heero can picture his inquisitive expression in his mind.

“What did you do in your free time before I came?” It’s something he’s been curious about for a while. Since Heero arrived, Quatre never seemed to go anywhere other than work. And if he did go out, it was usually with Heero.

“What do you mean?”

“You never go anywhere besides work. I was wondering if it’s because I’m here and you’re worried about leaving me alone.”

Quatre chuckles slightly. “No, that’s not it. I don’t really have any friends other than you and the others.”

“You don’t?”

“Not really. I have…acquaintances at work and business associates. I do get the occasional offer to go for drinks after work, but I usually end up declining, even before you came. I’m too busy with work and tend to stay after hours to finish paperwork. It’s only since you’ve been here that I’ve actually been coming home early regularly. I’d much rather spend my evening with you anyway so I still decline the offers.”

Heero doesn’t say anything after his explanation, unsure what to say. He’s a little surprised. Of all of the pilots, Quatre seemed like the one that could easily make friends, but maybe not. Maybe Quatre had a hard time connecting with others like Heero did.

“I was really lonely, actually, before you came,” Quatre admits softly in the following silence. “Duo sometimes drop by unexpectedly, but his visits are always so short because he’s usually on a job,” he says with a small, fond laugh. “But mostly, I was alone…”

Heero wishes he could see Quatre’s face to see what kind of expression he has. He tentatively reaches out to touch Quatre’s face. Quatre’s breath hitches when his fingertips brush against his cheek before he cups his face gently. He rubs his thumb along Quatre’s cheekbone, trying to offer a small amount of comfort.

Quatre wraps his fingers lightly around Heero’s wrist, thumb pressing against the inside gently. They stay like that for a few moments before Quatre moves forward, pressing into Heero’s side. It’s the first time they consciously got so close, but Heero doesn’t try to stop it, wrapping his arms around Quatre silently and holding him close until he falls asleep.

—

Time passes and Quatre’s attraction to Heero doesn’t go away. He’s only made it worse by inviting Heero to sleep with him. Being so close to someone in such an intimate setting, it was bound to backfire on him. He doesn't care though. He's happy with the way things are. Things aren't perfect. He has no idea what they're even doing, but he smiles more now and he doesn't feel so alone anymore and that's enough for him.

“Hey, Heero,” Quatre says softly and waits for Heero to turn towards him to lean forward, lips pressing against Heero’s in a short, chaste kiss. He pulls away quickly and watches Heero’s face, waiting for a reaction.

Heero’s face is unreadable, which doesn’t surprise Quatre in the least. He stares at Quatre quietly, face impassive, except for the light blush dusting Heero’s cheeks. “What was that for?” he asks after a moment of silence.

Quatre would like to say he did it on impulse, but that would be a lie. He’s been thinking about it for days, trying to find an opportunity to kiss Heero. “Because I wanted to,” he replies easily. He’s not nervous about Heero’s reaction. If Heero rejects him then they’ll just go back to the way they’ve always been. It was just a simple kiss, it doesn't have to mean anything more.

Heero’s brows furrow slightly. “Why?”

“Because I like you. Because standing here with you washing dishes makes me happy.”

Heero turns back towards the sink without a word, face carefully composed. Quatre can feel the ache of rejection squeezing his chest, but he ignores it, turning back to rinsing the dishes as Heero cleans them. “I’m sorry. I know you’re still hurting over your break-up with Relena.”

“It’s fine. I didn’t mind it. It was just unexpected.”

“Would you mind if I did it again?”

Heero stays quiet for a moment before he shakes his head. “No,” he says, and looks up at Quatre.

Quatre smiles and leans over again, pressing another small kiss against Heero’s mouth. When he pulls away, Heero quickly turns his face away, but Quatre can still see the way his cheeks darken slightly.

Quatre grins at the sight of Heero blushing and bumps his shoulder against his lightly. “You’re blushing,” he teases lightly, letting out a small chuckle when Heero gives him a sharp look. “It’s cute,” he can’t help but comment.

“Just rinse the dishes,” Heero says gruffly, setting another plate in Quatre’s side of the sink. He’s not truly annoyed though. Quatre can tell, but still he does as he’s told, rinsing the dishes as Heero’s washes them.

He can’t stop smiling though and he even catches Heero smiling to himself too when he thinks Quatre isn’t looking.

—

They kiss every so often, but it’s not a regular thing between them at first. Quatre doesn't know what's happening between them, if anything, but he wants to take it as slow as possible for Heero’s sake. And just knowing he can kiss Heero whenever he wants, and Heero won't turn him away is enough for Quatre.

He’s usually the one that initiates their kisses, but sometimes Heero will surprise him with a quick peck before Quatre leaves for work, or a welcome-home kiss when he gets back in the evening. Those are his favorite kisses between them. They make his skin buzz, and chest swell with happiness knowing that Heero wants the same thing he does.

The only place they don’t kiss is in bed. Which is fine with Quatre. Their sleeping arrangement is supposed to be about comfort, and he doesn't want to add another element into it that would make it uncomfortable for Heero or make him feel pressured into something he isn't ready for.

As usual, things change between them eventually. It starts when Quatre is awakened by Heero tossing and turning next to him. It takes him a moment to realize what’s happening and when he does, he quickly sits up in bed, reaching across Heero to turn the lamp on. He looks down at Heero and doesn’t hesitate to grab him by the shoulder and shake him.

“Heero…!” he whispers urgently, trying to wake him. He knows waking Heero like this is dangerous, but he can’t just leave Heero like this. He knows what it’s like to be trapped in his own mind, unable to wake up.

He’s prepared for a blow, but not for a hand around his throat as Heero’s eyes snap open.

“Heero!” he gasps out, eyes tearing up as Heero’s fingers squeeze around his neck. He grips Heero’s wrist with one hand, fingers clawing at Heero’s hand trying to get him to let go. Heero’s eyes look blank, like he’s not even fully awake and conscious of his actions and that terrifies Quatre. “Hee…ro…”he gasps out again. 

Heero snaps out of it a split second later, eyes widening in horror as he realizes what he’s done. “Quatre,” he breathes out, hand flying away from Quatre’s throat as if burned.

Quatre turns away from Heero, hand rubbing his neck as he coughs and gasps for air. His throat burns as he takes in a huge breath, and he closes his eyes, tears leaking out from the corners. He reaches up to wipe them away.

“Are- are you okay?” Heero asks, moving closer to Quatre on the bed. He reaches out, then hesitates, hand hovering for a moment before he finally places it on Quatre’s shoulder. He grips it gently and turns Quatre to face him.

Quatre nods, eyes still closed. “Y-yeah, I’m fine,” he breathes out quietly, then blinks his eyes open to look at Heero.

Heero’s fingers dig into Quatre’s shoulder and he takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry…” he says, closing his eyes briefly.

“It’s okay. I knew something like that would happen…” Quatre says, voice sounding a little hoarse. He clears his throat gently and shakes his head, looking up at Heero. “Are you okay? You were having a nightmare.”

Heero nods and takes a deep, shuddery breath. “Yeah…”

“You want to talk about it?”

“No, not really.”

Quatre doesn’t try to pout. He knows what it’s like, knows how hard it is to talk about these things. “Let’s go back to sleep then.”

“I doubt I’ll get anymore sleep tonight…” Heero says, glancing at the bedroom door like he’s thinking about leaving. Quatre doesn’t want that, even after what just happened, _especially_ after what just happened.

“Then just lay with me then?” Quatre asks in a small voice, looking down. He doesn't mean for it to come out like a question, or to sound so pathetic, but he can’t take it back now. He glances back up at Heero when the other doesn’t respond, heart pounding in his chest.

Heero continues to look at Quatre for a long moment before he swallows thickly and nods once. “Okay.”

Quatre gives Heero a small smile, trying to reassure him that he’s okay and he doesn’t blame Heero for what happened. He’s not sure if Heero gets it, but he still lays back down and lets Quatre press against his side. Quatre rests his head against Heero’s shoulder, and presses his hand against the middle of Heero’s chest, feeling his heart pound against his palm.

Quatre takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, repeating the action until Heero matches his breath with his.

He doesn’t let himself go back to sleep until Heero’s heart calms down.

—

Quatre has a bruise the next day. He’s able to hide it well enough with the color of his shirt, but it’s still kind of obvious if you knew to look.

Heero stares at it all breakfast, no matter how much Quatre tries to hide it from him.

“Stop it, Heero. It’s not your fault.”

“It is. I’m the one that hurt you.”

Quatre lets out an exasperated sigh and gets up from the table, grabbing his plate and cup, and taking them to the sink. “You were having a nightmare, Heero. You weren’t even fully conscious.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“It’s a perfectly good excuse!” Quatre exclaims, then stops and takes a deep breath, letting it out in a shuddery exhale.

Heero watches him from across the kitchen before he slowly steps towards Quatre, steadily closing the distance between them. Quatre doesn’t move, watching Heero curiously as he comes closer. He stops a few inches in front of Quatre.

“What is it…?” he asks gently when Heero doesn’t say or do anything for a few long moments.

Heero doesn’t respond, eyes still caught on Quatre’s neck, then suddenly he reaches up and runs the tip of his forefinger along the edge of Quatre’s collar. Quatre stiffens slightly at the sudden movement, and shivers at the sensation, biting his bottom lip gently. “What are you doing…?”

Heero still doesn’t respond, but he grabs the knot of Quatre’s tie and tugs on it gently, loosening it. Quatre swallows, but still doesn’t move while Heero slowly unbuttons the top two buttons of Quatre’s shirt next.

“Heero…” he says quietly when Heero tilts Quatre’s head up slightly. He has a feeling he knows what’s coming next, but a gasp still escapes him when he feels Heero’s lips press gently against his neck. He closes his eyes, bottom lip caught between his teeth as Heero presses soft kisses along his neck.

“I’m sorry,” Heero murmurs against his skin and Quatre can feel the pressure build up behind his eyes.He swallows thickly, Adam’s apple bobbing gently with the movement.

“It’s okay, Heero. I forgive you,” he says quietly and wraps his arms around Heero, pulling him flush against his body.

Heero presses his forehead against Quatre’s shoulder and slowly returns the embrace, wrapping his arms around Quatre’s waist. He clutches at the back of Quatre’s shirt and in the distant part of his mind, Quatre worries about wrinkles, but he quickly tosses the thought away.

He leans his head down and presses a kiss to Heero’s temple. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “I’m okay. You’re okay. We’re okay.”

—

Heero keeps his distance after that, flinching away when Quatre tries to get too close. Quatre doesn’t really blame him, but it’s still frustrating to suddenly be held at arm's length. He does everything he can to show Heero that he doesn’t blame him for what happened, that he’s okay now. It helps when the bruise on his neck fades away completely, but he still catches Heero staring at his neck even after it’s gone.

Quatre hates everything about the next two weeks, but he endures it patiently. It’s really the only thing he _can_ do. Reassuring Heero that he’s fine doesn’t make a difference, and he doesn’t want to push too much, afraid that Heero will leave if he does. So, he respects Heero’s silent request for space, stops trying to kiss him or hold his hand, doesn’t ask him to sleep with him anymore.

The only time they spend time together is at breakfast and dinner, and usually both are spent in awkward, stilted silence.

It’s lonely and Quatre often feels like he’s on the verge of tears, chest aching with a sense of loss. He doesn’t sleep well the next few weeks without Heero. It hasn't been long, but he’s already gotten used to Heero’s presence beside him during the night that his sudden absence makes it almost impossible to fall asleep.

He doesn’t say anything though. He doesn’t want to guilt Heero into sleeping with him again. Afraid that it won’t even work if he tries. 

He just needs to be patient, he reminds himself. This will pass and everything will go back to normal between them. Whatever normal is for them now.

And eventually Heero does let his walls back down, isn’t afraid to press into Quatre’s space again. He’ll reach for Quatre’s hand when they’re watching TV and doesn’t turn his face away when Quatre leans in for a kiss.

“Come to bed with me?” Quatre says one night, holding his hand out to Heero when he gets up from the couch. Heero looks up at him silently for a moment before he reaches out and takes Quatre’s hand, letting the other pull him up.

Quatre smiles softly, feeling shaky with relief and leads the way to his room, hand still holding tightly to Heero’s.

They go to bed like any other time, arms wrapped around each other, legs entwined. Quatre doesn’t know when it stopped being so awkward to be so close. Maybe when they started kissing, but he’s sure it happened before even that.

“Heero,” he says quietly, tilting his head up to look at Heero and licks his lips.

Heero glances down at him, eyebrows raised slightly. “What?”

Quatre doesn’t say anything, instead leans forward, closing the small distance and presses his lips against Heero’s. It’s their first _real_ kiss while in bed and Quatre’s heart pounds in his chest, unsure how Heero will react. They never discussed this, but they’ve never discussed anything that’s happened so far so Quatre’s not sure if talking is really necessary.

Heero doesn’t react at first, lips stiff against Quatre’s. Quatre doesn’t pull away, though, too afraid of the rejection to face it, but eventually Heero’s lips soften, moving against his gently. Quatre trembles as the tension leaks out of his body and he deepens the kiss, lips parting and tongue peaking out to press between Heero’s lips.

Heero’s lips part easily for him and he hums softly as Quatre’s tongue slides against his own. His hand slides down Quatre’s back and rests at the base of his spine, pulling his body closer to his own. Quatre shudders at the touch, eagerly shifting closer to Heero until they’re pressed flushed together under the blankets.

Quatre’s heart is pounding heavily in his chest and he feels too hot. He’s probably an embarrassing shade of red, but he doesn’t care. He just wants Heero to be closer, to keep kissing him and touching him. He pushes the blankets off, and slides his hand down Heero’s chest, clutching onto the hem of his shirt before pushing it up. He places his hand flat against Heero’s stomach, feels the muscles there tremble as Heero arches into his touch, a soft moan escaping him.

Quatre breaks away from their kiss with a small gasp, and grabs at Heero’s shirt. “Take it off,” he whispers roughly, tugging impatiently on the fabric.

Heero blinks at the request but nods silently, sitting up slightly to pull the shirt off. He tosses it aside and Quatre pushes Heero down on his back, moving to lean over him. He swallows thickly, and stares down at Heero, who is staring up at him with wide eyes, chest heaving slightly.

“This is okay, right?” Quatre whispers softly, then licks his lips nervously as he waits for Heero’s response.

Heero gives a curt nod, reaching up to cup Quatre’s face gently between his hands. “Yeah,” he whispers and pulls Quatre down to kiss him again. 

After a few moments of kissing slowly, Heero runs his hand down Quatre’s back, grabbing the hem of his shirt and lifting it. Quatre acknowledges the silent request by sitting up and pulling it off completely so that they’re now both bare chested. 

Heero pushes himself up into a half sitting position and pulls Quatre back down by the shoulder, pressing kisses across Quatre’s shoulder and down his chest as far as he can reach. Quatre moans softly, arching against Heero’s mouth before he presses Heero back down into the bed. He presses a brief kiss to his mouth before he moves down to his chest, trailing slow kisses down to Heero’s stomach. 

Heero bites the inside of his cheek, fists tight in the bedsheets as Quatre works his way down his tense body. He tries to relax, but the farther down Quatre goes, the more his body seems to lock up. Quatre sighs softly against his belly and sits up. “If you don’t want to do this, we can stop,” he says, reassuringly. 

“I want to,” Heero says with a nod. “I want it. I just…” He’s nervous. He’s never been good at this. Intimacy. Receiving pleasure. He can give it, and gladly, but when it comes time for him, he freezes up. It's one of the many things that put a wedge between him and Relena, he’s come to realize.

Quatre smiles and shakes his head. He leans over Heero and ducks his head, pressing his mouth against Heero’s gently. “It’s okay, Heero. We can just keep doing this for now,” he murmurs against Heero’s mouth and settles down next to Heero’s body. He runs his hand down Heero’s chest and stomach, slowly trailing his fingers lower until he’s at his hip, pushing his shorts down to slowly rub his thumb against the thinly stretched skin there.

“Try not to think so much,” Quatre continues softly, trailing kisses along Heero’s jaw and down his neck. He slowly moves his hand at the same time and slips his hand under the waistband of Heero’s shorts and underwear, wrapping his hand around Heero’s half-hard cock loosely. Heero tenses again, letting out a strangled moan when Quatre strokes him a few times until he’s fully hard.

“Quatre,” Heero murmurs and makes an aborted movement to grab his wrist. He doesn’t want him to stop though. Quatre’s hand feels good wrapped around him, but he needs to do _something_ with his hands. In a split-second decision, he grabs his shorts and underwear and pushes them down his thighs and kicks them off the side of the bed. 

Quatre stills his movement as Heero removes the rest of his clothing, hand releasing Heero briefly. Heero doesn’t look at him now that he’s naked, blush rising high on his cheeks as he lays there stiffly. 

“Are you okay?” Quatre asks gently, taking Heero in hand again. He squeezes gently, and presses a kiss against Heero’s shoulder. He took it as a good sign that Heero took off the rest of his clothes, but he was still so tense, body almost shaking with it. 

Heero nods, biting his bottom lip sharply. “Yeah, I’m- I’m good,” he says, swallowing thickly. 

“Then relax, Heero. I only want to make you feel good,” Quatre says, fist slowly along the shaft of Heero’s cock. He watches Heero’s face carefully. He doesn’t want to stop, but he will if Heero truly wants him to. He has no doubt that Heero will tell him if he doesn’t want to do this anymore. 

Heero takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He’s starting to get frustrated with himself, because he does want this. He wants to feel Quatre’s hand on him, his mouth, his body, everything. He gives his head a small, sharp shake and opens his eyes again. He finds Quatre’s eyes staring down at him, a look of concern mixing with the desire he sees in them. “I’m sorry…”

Quatre shakes his head. “Don’t be. It’s cute how nervous you are just from me touching you,” he says in faint amusement. 

“I’m not-” Heero starts, then huffs in frustration, because there’s no way he can deny being nervous.

Quatre laughs and buries his face in Heero’s shoulder. He’s probably being too mean, but it really is cute how Heero’s reacting to him. He presses a soft kiss to Heero’s neck as an apology for laughing, and then places another against his collar bone, then another on Heero’s chest.

“I’m not cute,” Heero says suddenly and Quatre pauses, peering up at Heero through his lashes. Heero’s got a sullen expression his face, cheeks tinted pink. Quatre can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face and presses his mouth against Heero’s chest to hide it.

He lifts his head suddenly and moves, swinging a leg over Heero’s so he’s straddling his thighs. He feels Heero stiffen under him and pauses again, hands resting lightly on Heero’s stomach. “Is this okay?”

Heero swallows softly, and nods. “Yeah…” he says, placing his hands on Quatre’s waist lightly. His hands feel hot against Quatre’s skin and he has to suppress a shudder at the contact.

He bites his bottom lips and wraps his hand around Heero’s cock again. “Is _this_ okay?”

“Quit asking me that already,” Heero says, voice straining slightly.

“I just want to be sure,” Quatre says with a small chuckle. He squeezes Heero gently before he gives Heero a few slow strokes.

Heero’s breath hitches, hips arching up slightly and he nods. “Yes, it’s okay,” he says breathlessly, fingers flexing around Quatre’s waist.

Quatre smiles slightly and adjusts his grip on Heero’s cock before stroking him slowly. Heero strains under him, body tense once again but differently than before. He tries to arch up into Quatre’s touch but with the way Quatre’s straddling his thighs, he can’t move much.

“Quatre…” Heero breathes out, hands running along Quatre’s sides and down to grip his waist again.

Biting his bottom lip, Quatre shifts forward, rising on his knees to hover over Heero. He leans down and presses his mouth against Heero’s in an open mouth kiss as he releases his hold on Heero’s dick and lowers his hips. The first brush of their cocks between the two thin layers of his pajama pants and underwear has Quatre gasping softly, and Heero shuddering under him. Heero’s grip on Quatre’s hips tighten briefly before he grabs the hem of Quatre’s pants and pushes down down his hips. 

Quatre quickly removes them along with his underwear, tossing them to the side before he resumes his position over Heero. He dips his hips again and has to bite back a moan as their cocks slide together skin-to-skin. He rocks his hips, sliding his cock gently against Heero’s until Heero grabs his waist again and pulls him down, his own hips arching to press their bodies more fully together. 

Quatre lets out a small hum of pleasure as he settles against Heero carefully. He moves his hips slowly as Heero arches up to press closer, their cocks trapped between their stomachs. It feels good, cocks sliding and rubbing together, and they rock together in a gentle rhythm, moaning softly into each other’s mouths, breathing each other’s air.

Heero slides his hand down Quatre’s back slowly, stopping at the small of his back momentarily before sliding lower to rest on his ass. His fingers dig in gently as he arches his back, trying to press closer against Quatre.

Quatre moans softly, moving away from Heero’s mouth to kiss along his jaw and neck. He rocks a little more urgently against Heero, but it’s not enough. The ache burning low in his belly isn’t going anywhere, and he needs something else. He bites his bottom lip and lifts himself onto his knees again, holding himself up with his hands on either side of Heero’s chest. Heero grabs at his waist as Quatre wraps his hand around both of them, stroking them slowly but firmly.

“Faster, Quatre,” Heero gasps, turning his head to press a kiss to Quatre’s jaw. His hand slides down Quatre’s back and around his side until it joins Quatre’s around their cocks. He tangles his fingers with Quatre’s and picks up the pace of their strokes.

Quatre lets out a small whimper, leaning down to press his forehead against Heero’s shoulder, eyes squeezing closed. His thighs tremble from holding himself up and he rocks gently into their fists. He moans out Heero’s name again, turning his face to press against Heero’s neck, pressing kisses wherever his mouth can reach.

Heero grabs a fistful of Quatre’s hair and tugs gently until Quatre lifts his head, turning his own to meet Quatre’s mouth again in an open mouth kiss. His other hand continues to move across their cocks with Quatre’s, quick, hard strokes now that leave them both gasping and breathless.

Heero’s the first to tip over the edge, body stiffening under Quatre before he shudders, cock pulsing against Quatre’s as his come spills over onto their hands and onto his chest. Quatre bites his bottom lip and follows right after, hips slowing after a few more jerky thrusts.

His entire body trembles to keep himself upright afterwards, and he slowly lowers himself onto the bed beside Heero, both panting heavily. He glances at Heero, sweat glistening on his skin, chest heaving and can’t help the small laugh that bubbles out of him.

Heero glances at him, brows furrowed, the unspoken question written clearly on his face.

Quatre quickly shakes his head, reaching up to cover his mouth. "It’s nothing. Sorry. I’m just…happy right now, I guess.”

Heero arches an eyebrow, but doesn’t pursue the matter. “We should get cleaned up,” he says instead, glancing down at his stomach. Rather, _he_ should get cleaned up since the majority of the mess is on him.

Quatre laughs again and nods, sitting up. “Here,” he says, reaching down and grabbing one of their discarded shirts. He wipes his own soiled hand on it before handing it to Heero. “Use this for now.”

Heero takes the cloth from him and cleans off, tossing the fabric aside again. He lays back down with a small sigh and closes his eyes. Quatre follows suit, laying on his side to face Heero, watching him.

“Was that-” he starts and Heero’s eyes snap open when he speaks.

“Yes,” Heero says, cutting him off before Quatre can say 'okay' and turning his head to look at him. Quatre chuckles and buries his face in Heero’s shoulder, fingers curling against Heero’s chest loosely.

“I just wanted to make sure,” he murmurs softly.

“I know.”

Quatre lifts his head, propping himself up on his elbow. “Can we do it again then?” He feels compelled to ask since they hadn’t discussed it this time and he’s not sure if Heero would be interested in doing something like that again.

Heero looks up at him quietly, before he shrugs lightly. “If you want.”

“Only if _you_ want to,” Quatre counters, because if Heero doesn’t want to then there’s no point.

Heero pauses again, giving it some serious though now. “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind that,” he eventually says and Quatre smiles, laying his head back on Heero’s shoulder and eventually drifts off to sleep.

—

The addition of sex doesn’t change anything between them, just like the kissing and sharing the same bed didn’t change anything. They don’t talk about it, about what it means. It just is, another thing they can do together. Heero’s grateful that Quatre doesn’t bring it up for discussion. He’s not sure what he wants from this, if he wants anything. He’s never been good at articulating what he wants, never been allowed to really want anything for himself.

And he doesn’t want to hurt Quatre. He doesn’t want another relationship, especially so soon after Relena. He’s not sure he can give Quatre what he wants, what he _deserves_. Quatre is an important person in his life and if he hurt him in anyway, Heero wasn’t sure if he could ever face Quatre again. He knows Quatre wouldn’t hold his feelings against him, but he doesn’t want to feel that guilt either way.

But most importantly, he doesn’t want to open _himself_ up to be hurt. If he put too much thought and emotions into this thing between them and in the end, it didn’t mean anything to Quatre other than friends keeping each other company. He’s not sure if he could handle that kind of blow so soon after Relena.

Things fall apart one night as they lie in bed. Quatre rests his head against Heero’s shoulder, arm wrapped around his middle. It reminds him of that very first time they slept in the same bed, before all of this started. The only difference is that this time they’re both naked and sticky with sweat and come.

He makes a move to get up at the thought, going to grab something to clean up a little before Quatre falls asleep, but Quatre’s hold on him tightens and he shifts closer, nuzzling his face against Heero’s neck. “Just wait. I want to stay like this for a little longer.”

Heero lets out a small sigh and relaxes back against the pillow. He wraps his arm around Quatre’s back, hand resting on Quatre’s waist. He doesn’t mind the close proximity. It’s comforting so he obliges Quatre for the moment.

“Heero,” Quatre whispers, breath warm against his skin. “I’m sorry.”

Heero’s brows furrow and he lifts his head to try to look at Quatre, but Quatre just buries his face further into Heero’s neck, arm tightening around his middle again. “For what?”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

“You think?” he asks, keeping his voice carefully neutral. Quatre’s close enough to feel the way his heart quickens though.

“I know I am. I tried to keep my emotions out of this, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry.”

Quatre trembles in his arms, and he runs his fingers through his hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “That’s nothing to be sorry for,” is all he says.

—

Heero lays awake for the rest of the night, drifting off for about an hour only once. He can’t stop thinking about what Quatre said and the way he _apologized_ for it. It wasn’t how he wanted to hear those words from Quatre, like they were something bad.

But maybe it was a bad thing. Maybe loving Heero was a bad decision.

Heero hadn’t really thought about where they were going with their relationship. He hadn’t really wanted to think about it, if he's honest. He thinks he should’ve put a little thought into it after all. Just a little foresight might’ve helped. They’ve come a long way from just sharing a bed and a few kisses.

He’s not sure what he wants from Quatre, but he knows it’s not fair. It’s not fair of him to stay, knowing how Quatre feels and unable to return those feelings properly.

“I’m leaving,” he says after Quatre stirs and he knows Quatre is awake.

Quatre’s instantly alert at his words, sitting up and blinking rapidly down at Heero. “What? Why?”

Heero doesn’t look at Quatre when he speaks. “I’ve overstayed my welcome here,” he says, then sits up as well, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and getting up.

“No you haven’t! You know that, Heero. If this is about last night-” Quatre leans forward, speaking in a rush, but Heero cuts him off.

“It’s not,” he says sharply, then sighs. “I’m sorry, Quatre…” And he really is sorry. He’s not even sure what’s making him leave. It really has nothing to do with what Quatre said the night before. He’s confused by his own emotions, and he just feels like if he stays, it was only a matter of time before he messed things up. Just like he did with Relena.

Quatre shakes his head and gets out of bed while Heero grabs his clothes from the floor and starts to dress. “We can forget it happened. I know it was sudden and we never discussed where this was going between us, but just…please don’t leave,” Quatre says, grabbing Heero’s arm tightly.

Heero pauses and turns towards Quatre. “It has nothing to do with that, Quatre.”

“Then what? Why are you leaving all of a sudden?” Quatre sounds helpless and confused and Heero wishes he could give him a real answer.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while,” is all he can say. It’s a lie. He hadn’t even thought about leaving until that morning. “I never meant to stay this long. I needed a place to get away. That was it.”

“Where are you going to go now…?”

“I don’t know…”

Quatre blinks a few times, eyes looking around the room like hes trying to think of something to say. Eventually all he gets out is another pleading, “Please don’t go.”

“I have to. I need to check in with work and,” Heero sighs. _I need to get away from you for a little bit_ , he thinks.

Quatre’s hold on his arm loosens, and he looks down. “Alright. I get it. I guess I can’t really stop you,” he says with a small, weak chuckle.

“I’m sorry, Quatre.”

“It’s fine. I guess I should be grateful that you didn’t leave while I was asleep,” he says, looking up at Heero with a sad smile.

Heero swallows against the lump in his throat at the sight of that smile. He turns around to face Quatre fully, reaching forward slowly to take his hand in his gently. “Thank you, Quatre…”

Quatre looks down at their hands, then looks up and smiles again, shaking his head slightly. “You’re always welcome here, Heero.”

—

Heero doesn’t really plan on going back to Relena, but that’s where he finds himself.

“Heero!” Relena exclaims in surprise when she opens the door and finds him there.

“Can I stay here?”

“But- What are you doing here?”

“Can I stay here?” Heero repeats, staring at her intently.

Relena stares at him a moment longer before nodding. “Yes, of course,” she says, moving aside to let him in. “Did something happen with Quatre?” she asks, closing the door after Heero.

Heero stops just inside the door, and looks down. He doesn’t say anything because he’s not sure how to tell her what happened.

“Heero…” she starts, worry in her tone.

“No. Nothing happened,” he ends up saying. He doesn’t like lying to her, but it’s necessary for now. He doesn’t want to discuss what happened between him and Quatre, especially not with Relena.

“Why are you here then?” she questions stubbornly, crossing her arms.

Heero looks at her, mouth parted to answer, but nothing comes out. He didn’t have a good explanation for coming, but he still refuses to answer her truthfully. “I can leave,” he says instead, turning back towards the door. He doesn’t know where else he could go. He’s sure Trowa wouldn’t mind him staying with him for a few days. Duo probably wouldn’t mind either.

Relena reaches for him, grabbing his arm. “No, it’s okay. You’re already here. Just stay,” she says, then sighs. “I’ll make us some coffee…”

She doesn’t ask him again why he’s there much to Heero’s relief.

—

Heero spends the next few days locked up in one of the many guest rooms Relena keeps prepared. She doesn’t bother him other than to remind him to eat every couple hours. She doesn’t press about Quatre, or even mention him. Heero figures she already called Quatre herself to get the answers out of him. Whether Quatre would tell her the truth, he isn't sure of. Quatre and Relena are close friends, so it could really go either way. Quatre would either be completely honest with Relena out of respect for her and their friendship or he’d keep the truth from her for the same reason.

He’s in the kitchen, sitting at the kitchen table reading while he makes dinner when Relena finds him one evening. She sits down next to him at the table and leans on her elbow, resting her cheek against her palm.

Heero doesn’t fidget under her gaze, but it makes him uncomfortable. “What?”

“So are you ready to tell me what happened?”

Heero glances up at Relena, then puts his book down. “Nothing happened.”

“You know I can always tell when you’re lying.”

Heero narrows his eyes. He’d always hated how well she could call him out on his bullshit. “It was nothing.”

“Saying it was nothing means there was something. What happened?”

How was he supposed to talk to her about this? Maybe he shouldn’t have come back here.

He shakes his head, resting his elbows on his thighs and bowing his head, hands clasped together and pressing against his forehead.

“Heero? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t. I can’t talk about it with you.”

“Why not?”

Heero remains silent, shaking his head slightly once more.

“Did you guys…?” she trails off and Heero doesn’t know what conclusion she’s come to. He doesn’t say anything, but the small “oh” she lets out next is all he needs to know that she’s come to the correct answer.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, eyes closing tightly. There’s a pressure building behind his eyes but he doesn’t cry.

“Heero, it’s fine,” she says, placing her hand gently on Heero’s shoulder. “These things happen between friends sometimes. Is that why you left?”

Heero takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. “No.”

“Then something else happened?”

He shakes his head again. He’s quiet for a long moment, staring down at the cover of his book. “I got scared,” he finally admits, voice coming out in a broken whisper.

“Oh, Heero,” Relena says quietly and gently pulls him into a hug. He goes willingly, pressing his face against her shoulder as she wraps her arms around him.

He doesn’t know what Relena’s thinking, how she can comfort him when he’s hurting over someone else. It didn’t make sense to him, but she’s always been a stronger person than him, better than he could ever be.

—

Heero makes an appointment to see his therapist later that week. It’d been too long since his last session and Relena had insisted on it after their talk. Heero had to admit he was looking forward to it himself.

The feeling doesn’t last long after he’s there.

“How’s your friend, Heero?”

Heero tenses momentarily before he forces himself to relax. He can tell his therapist saw his reaction though and presses his lips together. “He’s fine.”

He’d contacted his therapist before, when he left to stay with Quatre, to explain why he wouldn’t be able to make their scheduled meetings. He doesn’t expect telling him about Quatre to be brought up in their sessions though. Even if Quatre was the reason why he came.

“He must be a really good friend, if he let you stay with him for so long.”

“He is,” Heero replies, keeping his tone as neutral as possible. No matter how many times they meet, Heero’s never been comfortable with his therapist. He only agreed to see him in the first place because of Relena, and he’d never given the guy a chance to really help him.

His therapist nods gently before he moves onto his next question. “How did you two meet?”

“During the war. We were both soldiers.” He keeps his answers short and to the point, the way he always has, but he’s more on guard now that the topic is Quatre.

“Ah, comrades in arms, then? War tends to build strong bonds between people,” his therapist says with a knowing nod. Heero doubts he knows anything about what war can do to people.

“We went through a lot together,” Heero agrees with a small nod anyway.

“And how is he coping with life after the war?”

“Hoping for a new patient?” Heero returned quickly, defenses rising now. He doesn’t know why but he doesn’t like discussing Quatre like this. It feels too invasive.

His therapist laughs and shakes his head. “I’m just curious. If you went through the same ordeals together, then…” he trails off and Heero’s eyes narrow slightly.

“If he’s able to live a full life, then why can’t I?” Heero’s not even sure where that came from. It wasn’t what he had been thinking about at all. And he knows it’s not true. Maybe he’d thought that way before, but now he knows how lonely Quatre really is, how he isn’t able to connect with the people around him either.

“No, that’s not what I mean-”

“He had a life before he was a soldier,” Heero says abruptly, cutting his therapist off. “He has a family and a purpose outside of war and fighting.” It’s what he wants to be true for Quatre. He doesn’t want tothink of Quatre feeling as disconnected and alone as him.

“You can have that too.” The words are spoken softly, encouragingly.

Heero almost scoffs but doesn’t. “No, I can’t,” he says simply. “I tried and it all fell apart. I’m not good enough, not strong enough…not like him.”

“That’s not true, Heero. You are good enough. You are strong enough. You just have to learn to open up and see it.”

Heero quietly considers the words, before he shakes his head. “Are we done for today?” he asks, suddenly feeling restless. Maybe this was why he could never seem to connect with his therapist. He couldn’t stand to sit still and talk about his emotions, his shortcomings, his failures, everything he felt was better locked up inside.

His therapist sighs and checks his watch. “We still have forty-five minutes left, but I suppose we can end this session short if you want.”

Heero nods and gets up to leave. “I’ll see you next week.”

“Until then, Heero. Take care.”

Heero doesn’t look back as he leaves the office.

—

Heero takes a walk to the park after he leaves his therapists office. He can’t stop thinking about Quatre now, and before he knows it, he’s sitting on a park bench with his phone in his hand. He just wants to hear his voice so he dials Quatre’s home number. It’s the middle of the afternoon so he should be at the office. Heero should get his machine.

Except, someone picks up after the second ring.

“Hello?”

Heero sits up straighter, shoulders pulling back in surprise. “What are you doing home? Are you sick?” he says in reply before he can think better of it.

“Wha-? Hee-? Oh. I- No. I’m not sick. I forgot something at home this morning so I came to get it between meetings,” Quatre explains, then quickly adds. “Are _you_ okay? Did something happen?”

“No, I’m fine. I just-” _wanted to hear your voice_ , he doesn’t say, cutting himself off before the words escaped. “Sorry,” he mumbles, shoulders slumping slightly.

“Don’t be sorry, Heero. It’s good to hear from you,” he says softly.

Heero swallows. “Yeah, you too…”

“I’d gotten so used to you here, I keep forgetting you’re not around anymore,” Quatre continues with a small laugh.

The sound hits Heero hard in the chest. “I’m sorry,” he says, licking his suddenly dry lips.

Quatre laughs again, a soft, sad note to it. “It’s okay. I just have to get used to being alone again.”

Heero bites his tongue to keep from apologizing again, hand tightening around his phone slightly. He doesn’t know what else to say. He hadn’t planned on actually talking to Quatre so he hadn’t thought about what he wanted to tell him. It would be easier if he was there with Quatre in person, but he’s not.

“I can’t read your silences that well over the phone you know,” Quatre suddenly says, breaking the silence.

Heero tenses slightly, feeling even worse. “Sorry.”

“Are you really okay, Heero?”

“I don’t know,” Heero answers honestly. He still hasn’t sorted through his feelings about any of this.

“We’re still friends. You can talk to me if you need to,” he says and Heero huffs out a quiet laugh. “What?”

“That’s what Relena keeps telling me.”

“We care about you. That’s not going to change just because the nature of our relationship does.”

“Yeah, I know…I should let you go. I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“You’re never a bother, Heero.”

Heero doesn’t reply and just hangs up. He regrets calling. It didn’t help at all, just makes him feel worse about being apart from Quatre. He’s still confused about what he wants. He knows he cares about Quatre. He wouldn’t call it love, but it’s close to it, and someday it might be.

He wants Quatre to be happy, but he’s not sure if he can be the one to do it. Not in the long run anyway. He’s afraid that whatever he and Quatre has will fall apart like his relationship with Relena did. He doesn’t want to go through that again in another few years.

—

Heero thought getting away from Quatre would help put everything in perspective, but it doesn’t. He still doesn’t know what he really wants, but he knows he doesn’t want to be away from Quatre. He doesn’t think he can give Quatre the kind of relationship he deserves, but he wants to try, or at least have the option of trying.

It’s why he finds himself in Quatre’s apartment again, waiting for the other to come home. He’d never given Quatre’s key back and Quatre had said he was always welcome when he left. He just hopes that's still true.

He’s in the kitchen making dinner when he hears the front door opening. He quickly turns off the stove and removes the pan from the burner before making his way to the living room. He pauses in the kitchen doorway when he sees Quatre.

Quatre also pauses by the door, his jacket half off. He slowly removes the rest of his jacket and hangs it up on the hook by the door. “What are you doing here?” he asks slowly, brows furrowing slightly.

Heero looks away, mouth tightening slightly. Quatre tilts his head to the side, curious about Heero’s reaction since Heero was the one that snuck into his apartment after barely speaking to him for weeks. He feels he has the right to question him. He doesn’t ask again or try to push Heero to answer. He just patiently waits, knowing that Heero will eventually speak when he was ready.

“I…I got an apartment a few blocks away from here,” Heero finally says, jumping right into it. He doesn’t want to beat around the bush, this was too important to drag out.

Quatre’s heart jumps in his chest, but he tries not to react too much. “Oh…?”

Heero nods, and shifts his weight from one foot to the other, the closest to fidgeting he’s ever done. “And I got a transfer for the Preventer’s office located in this colony.”

Quatre doesn’t know how to respond. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up, doesn’t want to read too much into what Heero’s telling him, but there can only be one reason Heero would do all that and feel the need to tell him, right? Again he waits for Heero to continue, to explain himself.

“I can’t offer you much, Quatre, not right now. I’m still too messed up to be in a relationship, but I don’t want to lose whatever it is we have between us, and eventually, I think- I _hope_ , I can give you what you want…”

Quatre closes the distance between them and cups Heero’s face gently with both hands. “Heero,” he says softly, tilting Heero’s face slightly so he’s looking down into Heero’s eyes. “I don’t mind waiting if you need more time to figure things out.”

“I don’t know when I’ll be ready…or if I’ll ever be ready.”

Quatre shakes his head. “I’ll still wait.”

“What if you meet someone else?”

“We’ll deal with that if it happens. Right now _you’re_ the one I want, and I’ll wait for you for as long as you need.”

“Quatre…” Heero says then swallows. His chest feels too tight with emotions that he can’t put into words. It’s almost too much for him to handle.

“I love you, Heero,” Quatre says, thumb gently caressing the side of Heero’s face. “Whether we’re friends or lovers, that’ll never change.”

Heero tilts his face further into Quatre’s palm and lets out a tiny sigh, closing his eyes. “Thank you.”

Quatre smiles gently, and leans forward to press a soft kiss to Heero’s forehead. “There’s nothing to thank me for. This is what I want too, you know.”

Without thinking, Heero pulls Quatre in for a hug, wrapping his arms around his waist tightly. He buries his face in Quatre’s neck, breathing him in for a moment before releasing him. “I made dinner,” he says, gesturing back towards the kitchen.

Quatre smiles, the edges tinged with sorrow. “Oh, that’s good. It might be the last one I get to eat from you for a while, huh?”

Saying nothing, Heero turns to return to the kitchen, Quatre following behind him. He doesn’t know if this will work out, but he believes Quatre when he says he’ll wait, and he hopes he’ll be able to make the wait worthwhile.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, if you made it to the end, then you are beautiful and precious and I love you. This fic isn't exactly what I wanted, but I worked hard on it, so I hope you enjoyed it anyway. 
> 
> Feedback is always welcome. ♥


End file.
